


Jashin's Burritos

by HidansCrazyLaugh



Category: Naruto
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Blood and Gore, Cannibalism, Dark Humor, Jashinism, Kakuhida - Freeform, M/M, More characters to be added later, Murder, Romance, SasoDei - Freeform, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Supernatural Elements, Swearing, animal sacrifices, dark themes, not intended for children, other ships to be added later, physical violence, questionable meat being served, unintentional cannibalism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-04-01 08:24:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13994349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HidansCrazyLaugh/pseuds/HidansCrazyLaugh
Summary: Hidan and Kakuzu open a burrito shop out in the desert after narrowly avoiding being sent to prison and needing a way to make money without breaking the law. It doesn’t take Hidan long to fall back into his old ways of sacrificing people. Kakuzu is not amused.





	1. Chapter 1

“A burrito shop?” Hidan repeated for what had to have been the tenth time.

Rubbing his face, Kakuzu confirmed, yet again, that yes, Hidan had heard correctly, “Have you ever been out in the desert? There’s not much out there but a lot of people have to drive through it to get places and they get hungry. So why not?”  
“Well…how about for one, neither of us can cook. Or have you been hiding that you’re some secret masterchef?” Hidan kicked his chair back and was balancing dangerously on two legs.

“You’re going to fall and crack your head open on the tile…” Kakuzu warned him before answering, “Burritos must be easy to make, people like them and another thing, properties are cheap out there, we can probably find a small house and shop for cheap, probably next to each other or on the same lot.”

“Fine, whatever, but I get to name the place.” Hidan said.

After a moment, Kakuzu agreed, “As long as it doesn’t have the word fuck in the title, I don’t care what you call it.”

“How about…Eat Our Shit.”

“How about, no.” Getting up and walking out of the room, Kakuzu barely bumped Hidan’s chair which caused it to tip over backwards, sending Hidan to the stone floor with a crash and a sickening crack. Kakuzu watched his eyes roll into the back of his head as he went completely still.

Kakuzu stood there, “Hidan.” 

Nothing.

“Hidan!”

Still nothing. Kakuzu kicked him lightly in the side, he couldn’t believe this, after all the times Hidan said he can’t die, he dies falling off his chair because he had to sit like an idiot. 

Several moments passed, blood was pooling under Hidan’s head and Kakuzu knelt to check his pulse when violet eyes snapped open suddenly and Kakuzu breathed out in relief.

Hidan groaned loudly, “That really fucking hurts….I think something’s broken…” He rolled onto his side and his hands went to the back of his head where blood was oozing out over his fingers and coloring his gray hair.

“I thought you were dead!” Kakuzu accused as he got back up.

“Aw, you were upset I might have died? It’s nice to know I’d be fucking missed.” Hidan grinned as he continued to bleed onto the floor.

“Yes, but only because I spent a ton of money to keep us both out of prison and I’d hate for it to go to waste.”

“That’s cold, man, that’s really cold.” Hidan sighed, “And this really hurts…”

“Didn’t I warn you? You’re like a child…But don’t worry, I’m sure your god will heal you…if not, I guess I’ll have to stitch you up, again…as usual…” Kakuzu said, reaching into the cupboard where he kept the first aid kit. Upon opening it, he saw it was nearly empty and decided he had better buy more supplies the next time he was out. He wrote it down on his shopping list so he could add it into the budget.

“Kakuzu!! What’s taking so long? I’m bleeding to death over here!” Hidan yelled.

Kakuzu could only hope he would be so lucky and went to tend to Hidan’s latest injury.

Two months later they stood looking at the property they bought, or more like Kakuzu bought. It wasn’t much, what used to be a small diner that came with a motel on the same lot, on an old highway that wasn’t used much anymore except by tourists who wanted to boast that they had driven on a historic route or people who needed to get something to eat or drink while driving through the long stretch of nothingness.

“Jashin’s Burritos?” Kakuzu repeated for what had to be the tenth time since the sign had been delivered and installed. The ‘O’ in burrito was red with an inverted triangle in the center, just like the necklace Hidan always wore. Supposedly the symbol of his faith. Kakuzu was sure it was just a cult he had joined in his youth and couldn’t let go of no matter how insane, and illegal, it’s rituals were.

“Yeah.”

“Why?” Kakuzu could feel a headache coming on.

“You said we were opening a fucking burrito shop, didn’t you?!” Hidan demanded, “If I’ve been looking up burrito recipes for nothing-”

“Burritos, hot dogs, burgers.” Kakuzu said, “I don’t care what we sell, but I guess it’s going to be burritos now. I just don’t know why you have to have your god’s name in the title.”

“I remember you telling me I could name it and you wouldn’t care what it was called. Now, let’s open this bitch up and start getting some damn customers. I need to sacrifice someone quick.”

That was exactly what Kakuzu did not want to happen. They already had a record thanks to Hidan, and almost went to prison, but their lawyer had been one of the best and had fought hard for them and the jury had not been able to find them, without a shadow of a doubt, guilty. Even though they were completely guilty.

And it was all Hidan’s fault they had been caught in the first place, he wouldn’t leave and insisted on doing a ‘prayer’ first. 

Remembering that, Kakuzu suddenly grabbed Hidan by the front of his shirt and snarled in his face, “Listen up you piece of shit, if you so much as think of sacrificing anyone, ever again, I will sacrifice you to your own damned god, chop up your body into little tiny pieces and stuff you in the garbage disposal and never think of you again and no one will come looking because I’m the only one who seems to give two craps about you. I will not risk prison again because of you. You will not kill again. Your god does not exist, and even if he did, I wouldn’t care. If you sacrifice anyone and get caught, I’ll tell them everything, and I know where you’ve hidden each and every body. So I am telling you now: Don’t. You can sacrifice some coyotes or deer if you feel the need to sacrifice anything. Hell, start a fucking farm out here and sacrifice whatever the hell you want as long as it’s not people.”

Hidan went limp and stopped struggling, his hands still on Kakuzu’s wrists, “You…you’d turn me in? I thought we were friends, no, fuck that, we’re not just friends, we’re more than that! You love me! You can’t do that!” 

“I love you?” Kakuzu laughed cruelly, “I’ve never said that.”

That just made Hidan see red and start trying to kick Kakuzu and dig his nails into his arms, “You bastard! You can’t do this! And I know you fucking care about me, you motherfucker!”

Kakuzu just ignored that last bit, “I can and I will if you make just one human sacrifice. Do you understand?” 

Searching his face, Hidan knew he was serious, he eased up and let his hands fall away from Kakuzu’s arms, leaving bloody scratches behind, “But…you don’t understand, Kakuzu…I have to. If I don’t-” 

“Yeah, yeah, divine retribution, the fires of hell and all that crap. It’s all crap, Hidan. There’s no god, there’s no Jashin, you’re in a cult and the leader probably lives in some paradisal island somewhere while you and all the other idiot followers sending him money every month. And that’s another thing, you don’t send money to anyone, do you understand?”

“We don’t send money to anyone.” Hidan frowned, “Jashin doesn’t want money, there’s no leader. If anyone was…it’d probably be me, or I’d at least know who it was. There’s only Lord Jashin. And Jashin speaks to me! He came to me, Kakuzu! He came!!”

“You sure you want to shout that in public?” Kakuzu asked.

Hidan blinked and looked around, then started laughing, “Public?! We’re in the middle of fucking nowhere on our own property, this isn’t public! I could walk around naked and no one would see!”

“Forget being dropped on your head, Hidan, you were probably left in a hot car and your brain cooked in your skull as a child.”

Hidan kicked out again, hitting Kakuzu’s thigh, “I’m telling you it’s all real! Jashin is real!! You’ll believe me one day!”

Kakuzu tightened his grip on Hidan, “No, I won’t. You hear voices, you’re probably insane and should be on medication. I’m insane for even being with you this long, should’ve left you ages ago. I’m telling you, Hidan, no murdering people. You’ll regret it.”

“Fine, fine…just put me down you filthy fucking heathen.” Hidan took several steps backwards and looked at Kakuzu who was walking away, not even bothering to spare him another glance.

“Says he doesn’t love me…is insane for being with me…well fuck him.” 

“Talking to yourself? You better get out of this heat.” Kakuzu held the door to the motel open and waited for Hidan to catch up, “Now, first things first, we need to make this place liveable.”

Hidan laughed, “Um, no, first things first, we make that pool out back swimmable.”

Kicking at some debris on the floor, the body of a rather large rat was exposed, “Well, if you want to sleep in filth but be able to swim, be my guest.”

Hidan made a face, “Kakuzu! That’s disgusting! Get rid of it!”

“That was what I was planning to do in the first place, but if you’d rather have that pool fixed up…”

“No, no! I changed my mind! Fix this dump up first.” 

Kakuzu snorted and began walking through the place, making notes and sketches of plans in a notebook and talking quietly to himself while Hidan followed along behind, picking stuff up and dropping it to watch it break or just make noise, checking if the taps worked in every room they entered until Kakuzu had enough, “Would you stop doing that?! You’re worse than a kid! There’s no running water yet, because none of the utilities are turned on, we have to go open accounts and someone will have to come out and turn things on here.”

“I was just checking. Hey, look at this!” He picked up an old, dust covered lamp with an ugly orange shade and dangling brown beads, “This place must’ve been hideous.”

“It was.”

“But we can make it pretty nice, yeah?”

“We can, if I’m willing to spend the money, which I’m not. We’ll make it liveable.”

Hidan dropped the lamp, the base shattered and Kakuzu groaned but it was ignored, “Only liveable? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a dump, Kakuzu!” 

“A dump? Where the hell did I find you, a palace? You’d be on death row if it wasn’t for me so shut your mouth you ungrateful shithead. You could live in a tent in the backyard for all I care.” 

Hidan pouted, and Kakuzu wanted to punch him, he looked ridiculous when he did that, “You keep insulting me…”

“Then leave if it bothers you so much.”

“I don’t have to take this, let me tell you something, Kakuzu.” He stressed each syllable of his name, knowing it irritated him, “You can’t keep telling me to leave and you can’t keep insulting me, I demand some respect or I’m not going to let you fuck me! I know shit about you, you’re not innocent either.” Hidan jabbed his finger into Kakuzu’s chest, “You didn’t get all that money by legal means, and you’ve killed, I was there for some of them, I even helped you!”

“Poke me one more time-”

Hidan ignored that and kept poking him, “You’d have been caught at some point, I might have fucked up but they were already onto you.”

Kakuzu grabbed his finger before it could make contact with his chest again, “Do you want to lose this finger”

“Not really, I’d rather like to keep it,” Hidan couldn’t help it and smirked, “Besides, I think you’d miss it, I think it’s the one I shove up your ass when you let me.”

With a smirk of his own, Kakuzu brought Hidan’s finger to his mouth, he licked it once and Hidan knew he might have gone too far because just then Kakuzu bit down hard, causing Hidan to scream and pull his hand back, “What the fuck!?”

“Why don’t you go see the pool outside? I’ll finish looking around up here and decide what rooms we’ll use for ourselves.” Kakuzu ripped off a paper and handed it to Hidan who gave him a look.

“I thought you just said you weren’t going to do anything to the pool?”

“Well, I’ve decided that if I don’t you’re going to annoy me until I kill you, so since I like fucking you so much, if you want the pool, you can have it.”

“Aw, Kakuzu, that’s so disgustingly sweet of you.” Hidan rolled his eyes, “But you can’t kill me.”

“Sure I can. Now, I don’t really want to add to the body count, so go see what needs to be done to the pool. You’ll be the one repairing it so make sure you-”

“Wait, what? I don’t know how to do that.”

“Look it up on google, it can’t be that hard, now go before I change my mind.” 

 

And that was how Hidan found himself replastering the pool, after he had to clean it out on his own. He didn’t actually mind the work, it wasn’t too hot yet, and he used broken tiles he salvaged from the work being done on the motel to make a large symbol of Jashin on the bottom of the pool. He had wanted red tiles to look like blood but Kakuzu refused to let him buy anything other than what was necessary, so they were a mix of green, brown and orange.

Kakuzu had taken a break from supervising the workers to go see how Hidan was coming along with the pool. Walking over, he saw Hidan had his back towards him and was working on the bottom of the pool, the sound of metal scraping on the plaster the only sound. Hidan was wearing just his wifebeater and jeans, no shoes, and had plaster all over his hands and as Kakuzu walked around, could see some smudged on his face. He looked good like that, and Kakuzu imagined what he might do to Hidan later that night when they were the only ones left, but then he saw what Hidan was doing and all thoughts of sex were gone.

“What the hell are doing?!” Kakuzu shouted from the top of the pool as Hidan cut into his hand and smeared blood into the fresh plaster where the tiles were.

Looking up, Hidan had to shield his eyes from the sun, “I’m fixing the pool, what’s it fucking look like?”

“It looks like you’re doing something stupid but considering I left you in charge of this, I’m not surprised.”

“It’s gonna look great with water in it!” Hidan said, admiring the large symbol on the bottom of the deep end. The spaces between all the tiles were red with his blood, he thought it was a nice touch and had plans to add more smaller symbols along sides just under the coping. In his mind it looked glorious and he thought Jashin would be pleased.

Kakuzu just sighed, he knew Hidan was going to do something stupid to the pool, at least it looked like he had made sure there were no sharp edges, he could actually do some decent work when he wanted to. Hidan was walking around it, admiring his work.

Hidan walked up to the steps and sat down, his water had gone warm but it was all he had so he drank it, “Hey, can I borrow the car?” 

“For what?”

“I need to get more plaster.” 

Kakuzu threw him the keys, “Don’t wreck my car, Hidan. And…” He walked over to where Hidan was still sitting on the steps and leaned down, his lips brushing Hidan’s ear and spoke lowly, “If you are even considering a human sacrifice right now, I will kill you.”

“You keep saying shit like that, but you can’t kill me, Kakuzu.” 

“And you keep saying shit like that. Let me tell you, Hidan, you are human, you can die.”

“I’m human, yes, but I can’t die. Jashin has gifted me with immortality, I am his most beloved follower.” 

“Get out of here and don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and bring back something for dinner.” 

Hidan stood and kissed the corner of Kakuzu’s mouth, “Sure, just give me some money, honey.” 

“Don’t ever call me that again.” Kakuzu warned as he got out his wallet and handed Hidan several bills, “Don’t waste it on anything other than what you need to get.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not a whole lot happens in this chapter, but we learn that Hidan can not cook so he wasted a lot of time looking up burrito recipes and watching cooking videos on youtube, someone new arrives, and Hidan puts his mouth to good use. Please enjoy.

Hidan sat on the side of the pool, his legs hanging over the edge and pulled out his phone. Neither him nor Kakuzu could cook, and they needed to find someone who could. He went through his contacts until he saw a name and remembered that particular person owed a favor, but also could cook really well.

He sent a text, ‘Yo Zetsu, you owe me’

It was several minutes before he got a reply, ‘What do you want?’

‘Me and Kakuzu need a chef, you know how to cook, job comes with a place to stay and some pay’

‘Where?’

‘Middle of fucking nowhere’

Several more minutes passed before Zetsu replied, ‘I’ll call you later, I’m busy right now.’

 

Hidan didn’t ask what he was busy with, and decided to go for a swim while he waited so and stripped his clothes off and dove in. After swimming laps until he was tired, Zetsu still hadn’t called back so he got out called him instead.

“I said I was busy!” Zetsu growled into the phone once he answered, “I- get back here!” There was a clatter as the phone fell and Hidan heard what sounded like a fight and muffled screams followed by the sound of what Hidan knew were bones breaking.

“I guess I should have waited…” Hidan mused, but he stayed on and listened, and was pretty sure Zetsu was in the middle of killing someone.

“I’ll call you back!” Zetsu shouted and the line went dead in the middle of someone begging Zetsu to let them go and they won’t tell anyone. 

“They always say that, not like we ever believe them.” Hidan shrugged and got up to go inside. 

 

“Hey, Kakuzu, how are you feeling?” Hidan asked as he walked into the motel which was now their house and saw Kakuzu sitting on the couch with a book, “You look better, still kinda pale though, but definitely better.” 

“Don’t ever cook again.” Kakuzu told him without looking up, “I’d rather starve to death.”

“Heh, sorry about that…” Hidan said and sat down, “Poor Kuzu…I almost killed you, huh? Well, don’t worry about me cooking again, because I called up an old friend. He’s a damn good cook and very interested. He’s busy right now with some…thing. He’s going to call me back.”

“Good. Now go get me some water.”

“I’m not your servant, go get it your damn self.”

Kakuzu looked up, and repeated, “Go get me some water.”

“And if I don’t?”

“You will.” 

Hidan knew that tone and he got up and went to the kitchen and slammed the cupboard after getting out a glass, slammed that on the counter, threw some ice into it only for it to break.

“Oops.” 

“Hidan.” Kakuzu growled, “Clean it up.” 

Hidan swept up the broken glass and dumped it into the trash, “Maybe we should get some dishes that aren’t going to fucking break when they’re touched.” 

“Maybe you could be more careful.” Kakuzu told him.

Hidan got out a new glass and filled it to the top with water so it sloshed out over the sides as he took it and slammed it down on the coffee table.

“There’s your fucking water.”

Kakuzu ignored the childish behavior and continued to read which only annoyed Hidan more, he hated being ignored.

“Aren’t you going to drink it? I got it for you!” 

“I will.” Kakuzu said, still not looking up. After a few moments, he put his bookmark in place, carefully closed the book and set it on the arm of the couch then reached for the water, careful not to spill any as he brought it to his mouth and sipped it.

“Not even a thank you, what a dick you are…” 

Finally Kakuzu looked at Hidan, “You gave me food poisoning and you’re now acting like a spoiled brat and you want me to thank you, you’re unbelievable.”

Hidan had the decency to look somewhat ashamed, “I didn’t know it wasn’t cooked all the way…it wasn’t like I did it on purpose…How did I know I didn’t know how to fucking cook?”

Just then Hidan’s phone buzzed and he looked to see Zetsu was calling back.

“So, you ah…done with whatever that was?” Hidan asked when he answered.

“Yes. So, you have a job for me. Where?” 

Hidan told him the address, “You’ll be staying a while, so, is that a problem?”

“No. When do you need me there?”

Hidan looked at Kakuzu, “He wants to know when he should be here.”

“The sooner the better.”

Zetsu huffed, “Is that Kakuzu?”

“Yeah, we bought a place together.” He earned himself a glare from Kakuzu, “Or rather he bought it, with all his own damn money since I don’t have any and he likes to remind me all the fucking time that this place is his and I’m just along for the ride and he only keeps me around for the fuc-”

“Hidan, if you don’t shut up, you’ll be sleeping outside in a cardboard box. I’m sick of your voice.”

Hidan grinned, “I thought you were sick of my cooking, literally.”

Kakuzu slapped his hand over Hidan’s mouth to shut him up.

Over the phone, Zetsu said, “Alright, let me just get my things packed up and I should be there by the weekend.”

“Who was that?” Kakuzu demanded, removing his hand.

“Zetsu.” 

Kakuzu just stared at Hidan a moment, “No.”

“Yeah, he’s a great cook, you’ll see. I stayed with him a while ago. We just have to make sure that he cooks the meat we give him, because…well, you know about what he used to do, right? I don’t think he still does that but he might, I’m not going ask…” Hidan frowned, “Kuzu…you’re looking kinda weird again…”

“I suddenly don’t feel very well.” Kakuzu told him.

“You’re not going to be sick again are you?” Hidan asked.

“No.” Kakuzu took a deep breath, “He better actually know how to cook though, unlike you.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose…shit, Kakuzu, it was an accident…And I wouldn’t have called him up if he couldn’t cook, I’m telling you, he’s a great cook.”

“Are you sure what he cooked you was animal meat and not human?”

“He wouldn’t…he wouldn’t do that to me. I don’t think…” Hidan trailed off, he really couldn’t say with a hundred percent certainty that he had not been served people, but he didn’t think Zetsu would actually do that to others…Hidan suddenly wasn’t feeling so great himself the more he thought about it.

 

Several days later Zetsu handed Hidan and Kakuzu plate with a freshly made burrito on it. Hidan took it and bit into it while Kakuzu made a face.

“Oh yeah, this shit is good!” Hidan shouted with his mouth full, “Come on, Kakuzu, you gotta try this!”

“I’ll have to take your word for it, because I’ll never eat a burrito again.” 

“But this is really good.” Hidan said as he took another bite, “Zetsu, you’re fucking hired, forever.” 

Zetsu smiled, happy Hidan liked his cooking so much, but gave Kakuzu a glare, “How can you not try the food you’re going to sell and expect other people to eat?”

“Yeah, what if I have no taste and it’s actually really bad?” Hidan asked, then quickly added, “Not that it is, Zetsu, it’s really good. Just…what if, you know.”

“I’m willing to take the risk. I can smell, it smells…good.” Kakuzu said, “I can’t eat it though.” 

“Aww…is it too soon?” Hidan asked, “Well, more for me then. What kind of meat did you use?”

“That one’s chicken.” Zetsu said, he saw Kakuzu giving him a look, “You have something to say?”

“It sure as hell better be chicken.” 

“What else would I use?” Zetsu asked and somehow it came out rather threatening but Kakuzu wasn’t having it.

“I know all about you. Pein had to help get you off the hook a few years ago. Don’t do anything stupid while you’re here. Hidan, finish that, I’m taking Zetsu over to do the paperwork and make sure he’s clear on the rules.”

Hidan looked up at Zetsu, “The rules are no murdering anyone or he’ll fucking kill you.”

“I don’t murder people.” Zetsu told them with a straight face.

“Sure you don’t, then that was just a friend over for tea I heard on the phone, screaming as you broke his fucking legs or whatever?”

“Jesus Christ.” Kakuzu sighed.

Hidan finished the burrito and went to look for more, but ended up standing at the stove eating the filling straight out of the pan. Kakuzu was missing out, but he couldn’t really blame him for not wanting to ever eat another burrito again and Hidan felt a smidge of guilt over it but not for long, it was hard to feel guilty while eating such delicious food. 

 

Kakuzu gave Zetsu a room on the first floor, and made sure it was one that was as far from his and Hidan’s as possible. Zetsu seemed content with it, “Does it get much light?” He asked.

“I don’t know and I don’t care. If it does, put some curtains up.” Kakuzu told him.

“Oh, no, I have some plants, they need a lot of light, but not too much. Most people don’t understand the needs of houseplants. You can’t just stick a plant in some dirt and water it and expect it to thrive. They need proper light and nutrients.” Zetsu told him, “You know, it’s a pretty nice place you have here. Lots of rooms, you could rent them out or-”

“No. I already don’t like having you live here, why would I want to rent rooms to other people. Mind your own business, don’t do anything illegal, stay out of my office and mine and Hidan’s room, and these plants you have better not be drugs.”

“I don’t do drugs.” Zetsu told him, “They’re just some houseplants…you know, you’re not very nice, Kakuzu. I’d try to be nice to the people you live and work with if I were you.”

Kakuzu walked over to Zetsu and looked down at him, “Let’s get one thing straight, I’ve killed people before, I have no problem getting rid of you. Do not ever threaten me again.”

“Did you think I was threatening you? I wouldn’t do that, Kakuzu. I just thought it would be nice if we all got along and could be friends.”

“Friends.” Kakuzu scoffed, “I don’t need any. I have my money and I have my freedom, I don’t need anything else.”

 

Zetsu moved his stuff in while Hidan watched from the couch, not offering to help, but there only seemed to be one large rolling suitcase, the rest of his stuff was a ton of plants.

“What the fuck is that?” Hidan asked as he watched Zetsu roll what looked like a pine tree into the house on a wheeled plant stand.

“This is a Norfolk Island pine, very lovely, isn’t she?” Zetsu said as he admired the tree, it was nearly as tall as he was and had lots of branches with greenery on it and looked very healthy.

“Well, hell, you could just bring it out at Christmas and we’ll decorate it and not have to buy a tree!” Hidan told him, “Kakuzu’s so stingy, never lets me buy a tree, says it’s a waste of fucking money. Not that I celebrate Christmas, but hey, gifts are cool and there’s nothing in my religion that says anything against festive trees and presents and shit.”

Yellow eyes darkened, “My plants are not here for your entertainment, they are living creatures with thoughts and feelings of their own. If I see you come near this tree with any ornaments or lights, you’ll be sorry. I won’t stand to have you humiliate any one of my plants by dressing them up like that and shoving gifts under them.” He turned his attention back to the tree and pet it as if he were soothing it and spoke very softly to it so Hidan couldn’t hear.

“What a fucking freak…” Hidan muttered to himself and went upstairs to see what Kakuzu was up to, figuring it would be something to do with money. “Hey um, Kuzu, lemme tell you something, never touch his stupid fucking plants, he thinks they’re alive and shit and might kill you if you go anywhere near them.”

“I won’t be going anywhere near his shit so don’t worry.” Kakuzu said, not bothering to look up from his ledger where he was busy writing the current expenses and totals, “Hidan, you are to stop taking baths, they are costing a fortune.”

“What?! I’m not going to walk around in filth!”

“Did I say to give up bathing altogether? No, Hidan. I said no more baths. You can take these things called showers, and no longer than eight minutes.”

“But I like baths, especially when they’re with you, and you got us that jacuzzi tub…you really went all out, didn’t you?” Hidan draped his arm around Kakuzu’s neck, “Come on, let’s go use it now, one last bath, you’re all better now.”

“I’m not done here.”

“But I’m horny.”

“Too bad, you’ll have to wait.” Kakuzu tilted his head to the side as Hidan sucked on his neck while he wrote Zetsu’s name in the ledger, “Let’s see…I’ll have to pay him, minus rent and his share of the utilities.” 

“Pay him nothing.” Hidan took the pencil and wrote several large zeroes next to Zetsu’s name, “He gets to live here, that’s more than enough, besides, like I said, he owes me a favor.” 

“Keep talking…” Kakuzu said as he leaned back in the chair as Hidan’s mouth sucked and nipped and then used his tongue to soothe the bites.

Hidan moved so his mouth was against Kakuzu’s ear as he spoke, his voice low, “Don’t pay me anything either. I fucking hate money, it’s filthy and dirty…just like the things I want to do to you.” He shoved hand down Kakuzu’s chest and between his legs as he took Kakuzu’s chin in his hands and tilted him to reach his mouth. Hidan kissed him hard before pulling away and swiveling the chair around so they were facing each other. 

Kakuzu watched as Hidan lowered himself to his knees, “What are you doing, Hidan?” 

“What’s it fucking look like? I’m going to make it up to you for the food poisoning. Just sit there, you don’t have to do anything except you better fucking enjoy it.” He reached up and unzipped Kakuzu’s pants and pushed his briefs down, taking in the sight before him, Hidan glanced up at emerald eyes that were dark with lust, “Ready?”

Instead of answering, Kakuzu grabbed Hidan by his hair and roughly yanked his head backwards, and asked, “Are you ready?” before pulling Hidan’s head forward and forcing him to take all of him at once, “Hidan, look at me,” he tugged on silver hair, angling Hidan’s face up to look at him, “This is how I like you, on your knees with your mouth stuffed so full you can’t talk. Now, do a good job, you owe me.” He thrust into his mouth, choking Hidan and making him gag, enjoying the way those violet eyes watered and the flush that bloomed in his pale cheeks. Kakuzu pushed further into Hidan’s mouth, choking him even more before easing up his hold before letting go so he could breathe, Hidan would be no fun dead.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakuzu takes Hidan to the hospital for rabies shots and then after they stop for food and Hidan shoplifts from the Home Goods, later, Kakuzu almost breaks his own rule of 'no killing'.

Kakuzu knew Hidan wasn’t in bed before he even opened his eyes, because if he had been, there would have some part of his body touching him, or he would have been pressed against his back or side. Kakuzu rolled over and reached out, the sheets were cool, so Hidan had been gone a while. Kakuzu just hoped he hadn’t gone to do something he would regret later such as commit murder in the name of a god that did not exist but Kakuzu knew it was only a matter of time before he did that.

Not one to lay in bed all day, Kakuzu got up and pulled on a white t-shirt and some jeans and opened the door to the balcony over looking the back of the property where the pool and some dirt and cactus were and that’s when he saw Hidan laying in a circle of blood with a bloody knife in his hand. Hidan himself was covered in blood, and the mangled corpse of something lay nearby.

“Hidan!!” Kakuzu shouted, “What the hell are you doing?! Get up from there!” He had never stuck around to actually watch Hidan’s rituals, but had walked in on him like this before, he thought it was ridiculous.

“I happen to be praying! What the fuck’s it look like?!” Hidan shouted back but making no effort to move.

“It looks like you’re being stupid!” Kakuzu couldn’t help it, he thought Hidan was insane for believing there was a god named Jashin who demanded human sacrifices from Hidan, “And that better not be human!”

“It’s not!” Hidan shouted back, “Would you shut up and let me finish?!”

Turning away, Kakuzu went down to make breakfast, and found Zetsu sitting on the counter reading a book on plant care.

“We have chairs.” Kakuzu told him, “For now anyways, until Hidan decides to break them in a fit of rage. Use one.”

Zetsu remained on the counter, and did not bother to look up from his book, “Is that why all the dishes are plastic?”

Kakuzu just grunted in response and got out a bowl and poured himself some cereal and made some toast.

“He’s been up for hours.” Zetsu said, “He caught a coyote.”

Kakuzu looked out the glass door to see Hidan sitting up and pulling something from his leg, another knife, before getting to his feet and limping inside, trailing blood.

“Ooh, breakfast.” Hidan grabbed the toast from Kakuzu’s hand and shoved it in his mouth, “I’m starving.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full.” Kakuzu told him, and handed him the plate. Hidan was completely naked, but covered in blood and he wondered how much belonged to Hidan and how much was the coyote's, it stained the pale hair on his chest and stomach, and lower. He watched as Hidan walked into the living room and got up to follow.

“Don’t you dare sit down on anything.” Kakuzu grabbed him by the upper arm just before he was about to sit on the couch.

“Ouch! Fucking shit, that hurts! Let go!”

Releasing him, Kakuzu looked at his arm, “You were bit.”

“Yeah, but I also stabbed myself there, too.”

Kakuzu gave him a look, “You’ll need rabies shots. Probably a tetanus shot as well.”

“Pfft, like I can get rabies and whatever that other shot prevents.” Hidan laughed, “Lord Jashin won’t let me get rabies.”

“You won’t get rabies, or lockjaw, because you’re getting shots, not because your false god had anything to do with it.” Kakuzu looked Hidan over and saw another set of bite marks on his side, “If you are going to insist on doing this, you should get a bow and arrow instead of going after them with your bare hands and a knife.”

Hidan thought about it for a moment and then smiled at Kakuzu, “Hey, it can be my birthday present! How sweet of you, Kuzu!”

“Don’t call me that.”

“But you like it.”

“No, Hidan, I don’t. And I’m not buying you anything for your birthday, I don’t even know when it is.”

Turning away with a pout, Hidan shoved another piece of toast in his mouth and then said, “I’m going to take a bath, get all this filth off of me. If you want to join me, wait until I refill the tub.”

“I’m not joining you, and you’re not taking a bath, we've talked about this before, take a shower, a quick one, or better yet, go wash off in your pool.”

Sticking out his tongue and making a disgusted face, Hidan headed for the stairs, “No way, it's for swimming in! I’ll take a damn shower, fuck, man…” He was sore, and his injuries, both self inflicted and otherwise, were still rather tender, he didn’t think Jashin liked the mangy coyote all that much, but it was at least something, he’d get a better sacrifice soon, he had to.

“And when you’re done, we’ll go to the hospital for those rabies shots.” Kakuzu said from the bottom of the stairs.

“Yeah, sure, whatever, they’ll give me a shot and that’s it.”

“Oh no, Hidan,” Zetsu said, hopping off the counter, “Rabies shots are given in the stomach and there’s a series of twenty one, with a needle about this long.” He held his index fingers apart to show just how long the needle was.

“Wh,what?! I’m not getting fucking stabbed in the stomach!”

“What’s the difference if you do? You stab yourself all the time anyways.” Kakuzu said.

 

A few hours later Hidan and Kakuzu stood in line at the urgent care to check in, both of them disgusted by people sneezing and hacking around them, not realizing that they were trying to keep their distance from Hidan and Kakuzu, as Hidan was wearing a wife beater that had been soaked through with blood. On the drive, Kakuzu had told Hidan to come up with a story that would explain how he got attacked by a coyote, and to make it believable.

“Why’d we have to come here? You could’ve taken me to the fucking vet.” Hidan muttered.

“I tried, they refused to treat a human and besides, they only have rabies vaccines, not what you need."

“Well, fuck them, if I get sick, I’m going to make you regret bringing me here.”

“I already do, you’ve wasted my entire day.” Kakuzu reminded him for the tenth time.

“You didn’t have to come, I could have driven myself.”

Kakuzu sighed, “We both know you never would have come here on your own.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” Hidan grinned up at Kakuzu and was about to say something when the lady at the desk called him up. He looked up at Kakuzu with a grin and whispered, "Watch this." And he turned around to face the receptionist. 

“Oh my, you are bleeding all over, looks like you were attacked by an animal or something, or got in a fight with someone you shouldn’t have.”

“Coyote, it was,” Hidan swallowed hard and sniffled, and Kakuzu was surprised to see Hidan on the verge of tears, “it was...attacking my cat.” His voice broke on the last word and the woman gave him a sad smile.

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” She said gently.

“He didn't come inside last night,” Hidan wiped his eyes, “Poor thing, didn’t make it.”

Kakuzu had not seen Hidan cry since...well he didn’t think he had ever seen him cry and didn’t like it and wanted to smack him on the back of the head but instead decided he had better go along with it, it wouldn’t do to have the hospital questioning why he was going after a coyote, they’d probably get in trouble with fish and game and he made a mental note to check what animals were protected and which ones were not, if several tagged animals turned up dead, there would be some sort of investigation.

The lady checked Hidan in and told him to wait a moment, that since he had open wounds, and soon after a nurse called him back.

“Hey, you still getting me a cross bow?” Hidan asked as he laid on the exam table, smearing it with blood and the dipped his finger into one of his wounds and drew an inverted triangle on the tissue paper covering the exam table and then circled it.

“Buy it yourself, I never said I was getting you shit. And stop doing that.”

“You never get me anything.” Hidan did not stop and made another one.

“I got you that lawyer.” Kakuzu grabbed his hand and smeared it across the Jashin symbols, obscuring them so no one would be able to tell that it was anything more than a smear of blood.

“What the hell! I was-”

There was a knock and a moment later the doctor walked in and started to ask Hidan questions, “It says you were attacked by a coyote? How did this happen?”

Hidan told his tale of how early that morning his beloved cat of ten years, Mr. Whiskers, was ruthlessly attacked and killed by a coyote and he had tried to save it only to get himself attacked, while the doctor examined his bites and then treated them and wrapped them in bandages.

Kakuzu watched Hidan the whole time, always impressed by his ability to lie the way he did, it was very convincing and he managed to look so innocent, and Kakuzu knew it had been one of the reasons the jury couldn't find them guilty. Hidan even managing to tear up a few times and at one point, a single tear rolled down his cheek and Kakuzu found himself reaching out and wiping it away while glaring at him behind the doctor’s back while she typed away on the computer, and then confirmed that yes, he needed a series of rabies shots. She looked up to see Hidan had gone paler than he already had been and looked terrified.

"I don't want to get twenty one shots in my stomach!"

“Who told you that? It hasn’t been done that way since the eighties. You’ll get four of them, in the arm, it will be like getting a flu shot. This is modern medicine, we don’t torture people anymore. Well, not usually.”

“I’m going to kill Zetsu.” Hidan muttered as the doctor left the room.

Kakuzu looked a little disappointed and they waited in silence for the doctor to return.

It only took a few minutes for her to return and Hidan watched as she swabbed his upper arm with an alcohol wipe and then pierced his skin with the needle, and covered it with a bandaid, then did the same to his other arm for the tetanus shot, “There, now, next time don’t try to wrestle a coyote for your cat, as you can see, they’re dangerous.”

“Yeah, I won’t, because,” Hidan paused and swallowed hard, “it ate most of my cat and I don’t have one anymore...I...really loved that cat...I'm so sad, Kakuzu...” He looked up at him with big sad eyes.

“I’ll get you new one, the important thing is that you’re alright, I can’t replace you.” Kakuzu said gently, pushing Hidan’s hair back and as he did so, Hidan leaned into his touch, “Is he ready to go home, doctor?”

“Yes, they’ve already scheduled the appointments for the remainder of the shots, so when you leave check with the nurses station and they’ll give you a print out with all the dates. So sorry about your cat, rest and make sure to keep those bites clean, have a nice rest of your day, or, well, try to, I'm so sorry.”

"Let's go bury...Mr. Whiskers..." Hidan covered his face with his hand.

“Thank you. Come on Hidan, let’s go home.”

 

“Mr. Whiskers?” Kakuzu said as he got in the car.

  
“Yeah, had to come up with some overly cute name for a cat, and hey, look at me, I made myself cry in front of her, we could go hustle some billiards or something, I could pretend not to know how to play,” He laughed as he pulled a clean shirt on after getting in, then put on his seatbelt and Kakuzu reserved out of the parking spot, “And that was a pretty nice touch there, wiping away my tears, telling me you’ll get me a new fucking cat. You gonna get me a pussy, Kuzu?”

“No, if you want a pussy, get it yourself. And I told you not to call me that.”

“You're all I need, Kakuzu. So, you want to get something to eat while we’re out here? It'll be a date, we haven't had one in...shit...since before we almost went to prison.”

“No, we have food at home."

Hidan expected that but he was starving, only having eaten the toast earlier in the morning, “But...I’m really fucking hungry.”

“You can wait.”

“No, I can’t, I’m really starving, I’m not waiting two hours to get home.”

After several minutes of arguing about it, Kakuzu gave in, “Fine, what do you want?”

“I don’t know.” Hidan said, “I’ll tell you when to stop.” He was staring at Kakuzu though, not looking for a place to eat and after several minutes of this, Kakuzu glanced over at him.

“Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop looking at me.”

Hidan was grinning, he looked like a kid on Christmas morning, “You love me! Fucking knew it!” He smiled, his eyes crinkling at the edges.

“What gives you that idea?”

“Well, you brought me to get rabies shots because you don’t want me to die of some incurable disease, and what you said back there, how you can’t replace me, I know you meant it.”

“It was part of the lie.” Kakuzu told him, “And if you got rabies, you could pass it to me, and I don’t want that shit, so of course I made sure you would get the shots.”

Hidan crossed his arms and turned away to look out the window, “You’re a dick, you know that. Can’t even admit you care about me. Whatever. I want um...that.” He pointed at random to a strip mall without even looking to see what it was.

"You eat bibles now?" Kakuzu asked as he looked to see that Hidan had pointed to a Christian book store and there were no food shops in sight.

Hidan made a noise and pointed at a different strip mall a couple blocks later, "Here." 

Kakuzu glanced at it, and kept driving, “No tacos, no burritos. We have enough of those at home if that's what you want.”

“Fine, get me…” He waited until they were passing another shopping center, “That! Go in there!” There was a BBQ place and Kakuzu shook his head, “Too expensive.”

“Fuck you, Kakuzu! I’m the injured one here!”

“And you wouldn’t be if you would just stop doing that shit!”

Hidan looked highly offended and Kakuzu knew some speech about him being a heathen was coming so he pulled into the shopping center with the bbq place and parked, “Why are we here, thought it was 'too expensive'?”

“For one thing, we need new first aid supplies, you’ve already gone through everything, there’s also some other things we need. Here.” He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and handed Hidan fifteen dollars, “Get yourself something to eat and meet me back here.”

“You want me to get you something, too?”

Kakuzu nodded, “You might as well.”

“Then give me more money.”

Kakuzu thought about it before handing over ten more dollars, “Don’t waste any of it.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, go get whatever shit we need. Oh! We need some toilet paper!” Hidan shouted as Kakuzu was walking away.

Hidan ordered as much as he could without going over his budget of twenty five dollars, which did not get very much, and then decided to go into the Home Goods and found some colorful, plastic shapes with water inside that could freeze and be used as ice instead of using ice, he took a few out of the package and stuffed them into his pocket, then continued looking around and found some more and did the same, he also found a knife he liked the look of and a marble coaster and he slid down into the bag of food with the knife then left and met Kakuzu at the car.

“Look.” Hidan pulled the colorful ice shapes from his pocket, “We can use these instead of ice cubes.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, they look cool.”

“No they don’t, and aren’t those toxic?"

Hidan shrugged and started opening the containers of food only for Kakuzu to yell at him to stop, “You are not eating that in my car!”

“I’m hungry! You’re going to make me wait till we get home?! I’ll pass out by then! You know how much blood I lost this morning?”

Kakuzu took the bags of food and put them in the backseat, “You’re _that_ hungry?”

“Yeah, and I’m not waiting! Besides, it won’t taste as good later, I want to eat it now, while it’s hot. Hot like you, Kuzu.” Hidan made kissy faces and got smacked for it.

"Oww! You're going to hit me while I'm already hurt? You're cold, Kuzu..."

Kakuzu got on the freeway and after listening to Hidan whine and complain about how he was so hungry he was literally starving to death, he was shaking and going to pass out or get car sick or both, Kakuzu pulled off the freeway and parked near some cactus, “What’re we doing here?” Hidan asked.

“Get out.”

“Why? You’re not dumping me here, are you?” Hidan actually looked alarmed.

“I stopped here so that you can eat and stop complaining so your whining doesn't make me cause an accident.” Kakuzu got out and shut the door, then grabbed the bags of food from the back as Hidan hurried out. They sat on the trunk and divided up the food, mostly ribs and some chicken legs. Kakuzu had stopped eating and watched Hidan suck on the bones, moaning about how good it was, his eyes practically rolling back into his skull, “You’re about to embarrass yourself, Hidan.”

Blinking up at him in confusion, Hidan very eloquently said, “Huh?”

“You look like you’re about to come in your pants over some ribs.”

“You know what, I just might, it’s really that fucking good.” Hidan said, licking his lips, though he still had sauce around his mouth, and all over his fingers.

“It’s really not, you just have no taste.” Kakuzu told him, and reached for another chicken leg and felt something sharp, "What the hell?" He pulled out the knife, "Hidan?"  
  
"Oh yeah, I found it. Nice, isn't it? And there's a coaster in there, I'm going to paint the Jashinist symbol on it." 

"Whatever...don't get caught, I won't bail you out." 

"I won't get caught, I'm careful." Hidan licked his fingers clean and leaned over, attempting to lick the sauce from Kakuzu’s lips.

“Don't.” Kakuzu pulled away from Hidan, “You’d just make more of a mess and besides, that’s disgusting.”

“What can I say, you taste good, Kakuzu and would taste better covered in sauce.” Hidan said as he pulled away, and then took a bite out of the chicken leg in Kakuzu’s hand.

“I was going to eat that, it's the last one.”

“Then you should’ve given me more money, you penny pincher, I told you I was starving.” He yawned then but leaned in and took another bite from the chicken leg still held in Kakuzu’s hand, his lips brushing his fingers, and Hidan stuck his tongue out and licked them.

“Stop that.”

“Why?” Hidan asked, chewing.

“Just shut up and take it.” He handed the chicken leg to Hidan, who had scooted closer and was leaning against Kakuzu as he finished the chicken leg and threw the bone out into the brush and made no indication he was going to move anytime soon, so Kakuzu looked around in the bag and found several packages of individually wrapped wet wipes and started to clean his hands with one and gave one to Hidan.

“Alright, that’s enough, get off me.” Kakuzu pushed him away and slid down off the trunk, “Clean your face and hands and let’s go, we still have a long drive.”

Kakuzu got into the car and waited for Hidan who got in the back and laid down, “What are you doing?”

“I’m fucking tired, been up since four.” Hidan yawned and closed his eyes as Kakuzu told him to put his seatbelt on, “I’m fine, just go.” Hidan said, not bothering to open his eyes, “I’m immortal, remember?”

“You’re insane, not immortal.” Kakuzu said.

Kakuzu looked at him a moment, then turned the car on, “Sit up and put a seatbelt on. Immortal or not, you'll still get a ticket.”

Hidan did not sit up and did not put a seatbelt on, and as he was about to tell him again, he heard Hidan snoring.

 

The body of the coyote was gone by the time they got back and neither one asked where it went and Zetsu was hanging a plant in the living room from the ceiling, “What do you think you’re doing?” Kakuzu demanded.

“He’s hanging a plant, are you fucking blind?” Hidan said as he walked in and sat down.

“How was the shot?” Zetsu asked, ignoring Kakuzu, “Did it hurt much?”

“You fucking dick, there are only four shots and they’re in the arm.”

Zetsu didn’t bother to look at Hidan, he was busy screwing the hook into the ceiling, “Oh, well that's good, I suppose.”

Hidan thought he sounded a little too disappointed, “You two fucks wanted me to get stabbed in the stomach, sickos…”

Kakuzu walked over and grabbed the plant from Zetsu, dirt spilling onto the floor and the plant shaking, a leaf falling to the floor, “You are not hanging anything here, I don’t want that plant in here.”

“Let it go, man, don’t be such a dick, it’ll look nice, make it more homey in here. It’s so bare and still looks like a hotel lobby, needs some sprucing up.” Hidan then suddenly remembered the ice shapes he had stolen and ran back out to the car and returned with them in his hands like they were some treasures.

“You better wash those first.” Kakuzu told him as he went into the kitchen.

Zetsu took his plant back, “Don’t ever grab anything from me again, especially not one of my plants. Look at this.” He picked the leaf off the floor, "You tore one of it's leaves off. I wouldn't sleep very soundly if I were you."

“What did I say about threatening me?" Kakuzu reached out and grabbed Zetsu around the throat, "I could kill you, right now."

Zetsu's free hand shot out and he used his fingernails to scratch Kakuzu's face, leaving bloody cuts, coming away with skin under his nails. It only made Kakuzu squeeze his throat harder, watching his face turn red and then purple.

"Hey! Kakuzu!" Hidan shouted from the kitchen, turning the water off and putting his ice shapes on the counter, "Let him go! What happened to no killing?" He ran into the living room, "You can't kill him, the cops will be all over here!"

"I can't stand him or his stupid plants!"

Zetsu struggled twisting and turning and trying to claw at Kakuzu's arm, mouth open, lips turning blue.

Hidan knew Kakuzu could easily kill Zetsu and was about to, "Yeah well he's working for us and we need him right now. Don't fucking kill each other over a stupid leaf. You're both even! Kakuzu, let him go! Come on, man, seriously, stop, you're going to kill him!"

Kakuzu let go, eyes on Hidan, while Zetsu stumbled backwards, sucking in air as he fell to his knees, rubbing his throat, coughing and trying to get as much air as he could. 

Kakuzu finally turned back to Zetsu, “Go ahead, hang the damn plant. Next time you threaten me, Zetsu, I really will kill you.” He wiped the blood from his cheek and then turned to go upstairs, while Hidan went to put his ice shapes into the freezer, wanting to use them at dinner, neither one seeing as Zetsu licked his fingers clean.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating this in such a long time, I was mostly working on the trailer park au, and other stuff, I'll try to update this more often but I get distracted so easily by other ideas, I'm sorry, please enjoy, thank you. And I realize this is like a filler chapter but that's ok, right? What non-Akatsuki characters would you like to see as customers to have the unfortunate experience of eating Zetsu's cooking? Comment below to let me know and I'll see what I can do.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakuzu and Hidan get their first customers, or victims.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to thatshipcat who suggested Sakura, Ino and Hinata to be the first customers, I hope, for their own sake, that they do not return for more later on. 
> 
> Also, I am hoping to update once a week, or every other week now that it's summer and I have some more time for working on my fics, but I am also busy with two other things right now but I will do my best. Thank you so much for reading and if you liked it I would love to hear about it!

“Are you sure you want to eat here?” Ino asked as she looked out the window at the burrito shop. It had a new sign, but the exterior was old and looked like it had seen better days. There was graffiti on the side of the building that had not been painted over.

“It’s the only place for hours, we’re all hungry, we ran out of snacks and drinks and I’m sick of driving.” Sakura said as she parked the car, “Look, we’ll go in and at least see what they have. If we don’t like it, we can leave.”

“Alright, fine. Hinata, that ok with you?” Ino asked, flipping her hair over her shoulder as she got out.

“Th,that’s fine.” Hinata said so quietly from the backseat that Ino couldn’t even hear her.

 

 Hidan had been laying on one of the tables when he heard a car drive up, sitting up he saw the girls get out and jumped down off the table, “Kakuzu! Look, our first victims!”

 “Keep it down, they’ll hear you.”

 “Pft, like I give a fuck.”

“You should, if you’re nice to them, they’ll probably give you a tip.”

 “A tip, huh? Well, I’ll turn on my charm, I hear it’s irresistible.” Hidan grinned at Kakuzu who rolled his eyes.

“Who told you that?”

 “Well, I got you, didn’t I? And you’re still here.”

“For now.” Kakuzu said as he handed Hidan a pad of paper and a pen from behind the counter where he had been arranging money in the register, “Remember what I told you, no swearing, no screaming, no talking about your made up religion, don't drop the food.”

Hidan wasn’t paying attention as he was looking at the heart shaped note pad and saw it had paw prints on it and a cat inside of a heart.

“Did you hear me?” Kakuzu asked, waiting for Hidan to say something about Jashin being real but instead he was still looking at the pad of paper, and smiling, “Hidan?”

Hidan waved him off, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, don’t worry about it, I got this. I used to be a bartender once, before I killed the owner.”

“Yes, I know, it’s how we met, I was supposed to kill him.” Kakuzu and Hidan turned when the door opened, ringing a little bell.

“And by the way, Jashinism is not made up.” Hidan told him as a group of three young women walked in.

 

They looked around as if scrutinizing the place, which they were, and then exchanged questioning looks and shrugs and a couple of nods.

“Do we just sit wherever we want?” Sakura asked as they walked in and looked around. It looked alright, there were no cockroaches or broken tiles, it was clean and everything looked new.

“Yeah, sit anywhere.” Hidan said, and grabbed one of their menus, which was just a sheet of paper with a few items printed on it from their printer that Kakuzu had made Hidan and Zetsu sit and laminate with an iron. Kakuzu had gotten the lamination sheets from a craft store with a half off coupon, and a further ten percent off as the package was opened and some of the pages were bent on one side (which he had done himself in order to get the extra discount), and he refused to purchase the laminating machine. Zetsu still had a bandage on two of his fingers from when he touched the iron to check and see if it was hot.

Kakuzu watched, hoping Hidan could do this without messing it up, they had just opened and did not need any bad Yelp reviews and he was not going to discount anyone’s meal either, no matter what Hidan said to them.

“So, you three are our first customers, I really hope you’ll enjoy our food.” He smiled at them, and Hidan noticed the girl with the long black hair couldn’t take her eyes off him, he knew he was hot, but damn, she had no shame starring at him like that, and he loved it, he was going to tell Kakuzu later how lucky he is to have him and that he better start appreciating him more.

“We hope so, too. Now, we’re not looking to put on a ton of weight, so can you tell us how many calories are in each of these?” Ino asked, “I never eat anything without knowing what I’m putting into my body. I mean, look at me,” she laughed, “I take care of myself.” 

“Yeah, I take care of my body, too. You can’t see it since I’m wearing a shirt though, my boss won’t let me work shirtless.”

The girls giggled and Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

“So, which is the healthiest option?” Sakura asked.

“This one, it has the least calories.” Hidan leaned down and randomly pointed to the chicken burrito, “We can make it however you want, like if you don’t want something on it, we won’t add it. It’s not like we’re microwaving frozen burritos or something like that, that’s disgusting, all our food is made fresh and we have a great chef.”

“How many calories is it though? And grams of fat.” Sakura asked.

Ino looked across the table at Hinata, who was turning pink and staring with wide eyes up at their waiter, his name tag said, ‘Hidan’, and she grinned.

“Oh, that one’s like three hundred, but I couldn’t say how much fat, it’s white meat if that helps.” Hidan lied, he had no idea what he was talking about and for all he knew it could be six hundred calories, a thousand even, but he really didn’t care, and he wasn’t sure it was all white meat either. He never did find out what happened to that coyote he sacrificed, but Zetsu wouldn't keep that, he thought, probably was put in the garbage, which was not really ideal and Hidan knew he should have buried it. You had to respect the dead, especially those that gave their life as a sacrifice. 

“That’s not too much…” Ino said, and seemed to be counting something in her head, “Alright, I’ll have that I guess. And some ice tea, no sugar.”

Hidan wrote it down, the girl with pink hair ordering the same, then they all turned to the last girl.

Ino smiled sweetly, asking innocently, “What are you having, Hinata? You want something hot?”

“Wh,what?” Hinata gasped, her face turning red, “I...I...will have...wh...whatever th,they’re having…” She whispered.

“Huh? I can’t hear you.” Hidan said and leaned closer, “You’ll have to repeat that, you’re too quiet. I might have some fucking hearing damage but it’s like you’re whispering.”

Hinata let out a squeak and scooted away from Hidan, “The same. As...them.” She said.

“Alright, well, our chef will make those right away.”

“Oh! Wait!” Ino called as he was walking away, “There’s no cheese or sour cream on those, are there? I don’t eat dairy products, too much fat.” 

“Ok, sure, no cheese and sh-stuff.” Hidan said, scribbling something on the notepad, “Same for all of you?”

Sakura nodded, “Yes, please.”

 “Great.” Hidan went over to the grill and told Zetsu to make some chicken burritos, with no toppings, “They don’t wanna get fat.”

 “They won’t get fat from my cooking.” Zetsu said as he started cooking while Hidan hung around, looking at the notepad. The cat was gray with white stripes and he looked over at Kakuzu who was watching him, so he blew him a kiss and Kakuzu huffed and looked away.

With a snicker, Hidan turned away and watched Zetsu cook, grabbing a nearby spoon and taking a bite from the pan once it was finished cooking.

“Stop that.” Zetsu said, pushing Hidan’s hand away.

“Hey, I’m hungry.” Hidan complained around the food in his mouth.

Zetsu pulled the pan from the stove and made three burritos and pushed the plates towards Hidan, “You probably don’t want to eat that, to be honest, Hidan. Now, take these before they get cold. I won’t have people complain about my cooking.”

Swallowing, Hidan wondered what he just ate and decided he wasn’t all that hungry anymore and grabbed the plates, balancing one on his forearm while carrying the other two in his hands. Kakuzu gave him a disapproving look, he had told him not to do that, that he was going to break the dishes, drop food and it would add to their expenses but he got them to the table with no problem.

“As a special promotion, the first one to leave a review for us on Yelp gets a special discount the next time you eat here.” Hidan said , loud enough so Kakuzu could hear, as he put the plates down on the table.

“You know, you should think about adding a vegetarian or vegan option to your menu.” Ino said, “I probably would have ordered that if there had been one, you never know how much sodium and fat is in something when you eat out.” 

“We’ll consider it.” Hidan said with a shrug.

“What about our drinks?” Sakura asked.

“Drinks? Oh, right, yeah, I forgot.” He left to go get the iced teas.

 

“Hinata, you can’t keep your eyes off of him.” Ino giggled, “He is rather hot, isn’t he? He gives off that bad boy vibe, too.” 

“I, he-”

“You surprise me,” Sakura said, “I didn’t think you were into bad boys, and he is definitely a very bad boy. Maybe you think you can tame him?”

Hinata’s face flushed red and she grabbed her burrito and took a bite. Sakura and Ino laughed at her and Hidan brought their ice teas.

“Oh, Hinata, don’t be ashamed, a lot of girls have that fantasy.” Ino told her, “So, how's the food?”

“It’s...n,not bad…” Hinata said, “Let’s hurry up and eat so we can leave.”

“Yeah, we have another five hours to drive.” Sakura sighed and picked up her own burrito.

Kakuzu had overheard the girls talking and thought they were annoying and silly and hoped they would leave soon. Hidan was back with Zetsu, leaning on the wall, waiting for them to finish eating and texting someone. 

“Where do we pay?” Ino asked.

“Pay at the register.” Hidan said, “I hope you liked your meal.” 

 

“Yes, it was better than expected.” Sakura told him as she walked past. He rolled his eyes at her, and then with a smug look, thought about what Zetsu had told him, that he wouldn't want to eat that food, so joke was on her, the thought, whatever she ate, probably wasn't what she thought it was.

They paid in cash, Sakura not trusting them with her credit card, and then handed over the tip, “This is for Hidan. He would have gotten more but he was swearing a little bit, not very professional, you should think about training him better.”

 “I’ll make sure he gets it.” Kakuzu told them, taking the money from her and watching them leave.

 

Once in the car, Ino and Sakura began teasing Hinata again about Hidan, “We could stop here on our way home if you’d like to see Hidan again.” 

“N,no, you are misunderstanding.” Hinata told them, “He had….there was blood on the side of his face, next to his ear.” 

“WHAT?!” Ino screamed, “HE HAD BLOOD ON HIS FACE AND WE ATE FOOD HERE?!”

“Calm down!” Sakura said, “Maybe it was just paint, they’re clearly still doing some renovations. Why would he have blood on his face, and if he did maybe it was just from shaving. You two jump to some wild conclusions.” They looked at the burrito shop as they backed out of the parking space, the tires crunching on the gravel, Hidan was standing in front of Kakuzu, “Must be getting the tip money.” Sakura said to herself.

“Yes, perhaps...it was paint.” Hinata said, nodding, trying to convince herself.

 

“Did they leave me a tip?” Hidan asked.

“Yes but I’m keeping it.” Kakuzu told him, “Six dollars, not bad, it’ll pay for your notepad and pen."  

“Oh, about that,” Hidan smiled as he pulled it out of his pocket, “A kitty cat? In a heart? Kakuzu, that’s fucking adorable, you got me a pussy after all!” He leaned across the register and kissed him, “You saw this and fucking thought of me, didn’t you? You romantic old bastard. Gimme a kiss, come on.”

Kissing him back, Kakuzu licked his lips before biting, hard enough to make Hidan moan but not hard enough to draw blood. Their tongues slid against one anothers for several moments, before Kakuzu moved to kiss and suck on Hidan’s ear when he stopped suddenly, the metallic taste of blood in his mouth, “Hidan.”

“What? Why’d you stop? More customers?” Hidan was breathing hard and looked at the door but there was no one there, the car the girls had been driving in was gone.

“You have blood on your ear.”

“Oh...guess I didn’t clean it all off. I was in a hurry this morning.”

“Is it yours?”

“Yeah, of course.” He grabbed a napkin from the counter and dipped it into Kakuzu’s ice water and wiped the side of his face and ear, “How’s that?” 

“It’s gone now, you better hope those girls didn’t see that.”

“Nah, they just thought I was hot.” Hidan leaned forward, their faces inches apart, Hidan could feel Kakuzu’s breath on him, “Are you jealous?” 

“No.” Kakuzu kissed him, and pulled him onto the counter, Hidan was more than happy to comply, turning so his legs hung off the other side and wrapped them around Kakuzu, pulling him close.

“Are you sure? Because this isn’t like you at all, Kuzu.” 

“For all your faults, Hidan, you are a loyal man, I have no reason to be jealous.” He looked down at Hidan, his cheeks had a pink tint to them.

“Should we send Zetsu home, you wanna suck my dick here? Think of how exciting it would be, we might get caught. Scandalous.” Hidan’s legs tightened around Kakuzu, and he scooted forward, pressing his mouth to Kakuzu's throat and sucking.

“You better get down, looks like another group.” Zetsu said, walking out from the cooking area.

Hidan sighed and licked at the mark he just left, he didn’t want to work, he wanted to have fun with Kakuzu, and wanted to offer his prayers to Jashin, but instead, Kakuzu pulled him down off the counter and pushed a stray strand of silver hair behind his ear and straightened his shirt, “Later, Hidan, we’ll finish this tonight.”

 

In all, it hadn’t been a bad first day, though Hidan complained about how tired he was, “It wasn’t that bad.” Kakuzu told him, watching as Hidan flung himself on the bed after a shower, his towel coming loose at his hips.

“Do we have to do this everyday?” 

“Yes, except Sunday and Monday.” 

“But I don’t wanna…” Hidan whined, closing his eyes as Kakuzu went to take a shower. Hidan’s phone buzzed on the nightstand and he reached over to see who was texting him.

“Deidara...what the fuck does he want now?” Hidan opened the phone to read several messages, all of them amounting to Deidara needing money.

‘I don’t have any money, go make a porno and put on the internet for money’ Hidan replied back.

‘Thanks anyways asshole’

‘No problem cocksucker’

‘Bet you sucked a cock today’

‘Not yet but I will, now leave me the hell alone, I'm tired’

Hidan yawned as he put his phone down and closed his eyes.

Kakuzu walked out to find Hidan asleep on his back, his towel almost coming off. He got dressed and slid into bed, leaving Hidan where he was, and fell asleep himself. At some point in the middle of the night, Hidan’s phone started going off with text messages and he jerked awake, confused and now naked as the towel had slipped off.

“What the fuck?!” He grabbed his phone from where it was beside him to see who it was, “Fucking Deidara…” 

“Don’t answer him.” Kakuzu grumbled, “Nothing good has ever come from his middle of the night texts.”

In complete agreement, Hidan cleared the notifications and set his phone to ‘Do Not Disturb’ and scooted up the bed to his usual spot where he turned on his side against Kakuzu’s back.

“You’re naked.” 

“Yeah, so?”

Kakuzu didn’t really mind, but Hidan was also hard, and it was digging into him, “You dick is stabbing me.”

“It wants you, Kuzu…wants to be in that ass of yours...”

“Go back to sleep.” Kakuzu sighed.

A few moments later, Kakuzu felt Hidan prop himself up on his elbow.

“Hey, Kakuzu?” 

Sighing, Kakuzu waited for Hidan to continue.

“You wanna um, suck each others dicks?” 

“It’s two in the morning, what is wrong with you?”

“Nothing's wrong with me, I wanted to before but I fell asleep. Come on, it’ll be nice. We're both awake now...hmm?” He hand snaked around and grasped Kakuzu’s erection, “Oh shit, did this just happen or was it like that when you woke up, like mine?”

“Hidan…”

“Come on, Kuzu...let’s-” 

“I said no, go back to sleep, maybe in the morning.” Kakuzu said and pushed Hidan’s hand away.

“Such a grumpy old man…whatever...” Hidan complained but was asleep again in minutes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deidara and Sasori made a video and want Hidan to watch it and then Kakuzu and Hidan have some much needed sexy times, Hidan worries Jashin is not pleased with his offerings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. I meant to update this a long time ago, but I didn't and I'm sorry if you're reading and were waiting since June for the next chapter, and I'm also sorry because this is mostly just a fun filler chapter with smut, because they need some fun times before things get serious. And the reason I didn't update, aside from being very busy over summer, is because while I was writing this someone came up behind me and I'm not sure if they saw what I was writing or not but I didn't realize until later they had been there and I couldn't open or look at this chapter for weeks that turned to months. I was mortified and still am and I still don't know if they read anything or not but I considered escaping into the woods never to be seen again. Please enjoy this chapter with very little plot, it's also a little short, I'm sorry again. I hope the smut is ok.  
> There is SasoDei stuff here, they'll have a larger part in this fic a few more chapters in, so I hope you like them, they're broke college students trying to make some extra money.

* * *

 

About two weeks had passed since Hidan last heard from Deidara, and while he was laying in bed on Kakuzu's side, eating a sandwich in nothing but his boxer shorts, he got a call.

“What the hell do you want now?” Hidan asked as he answered it.

“Nice to hear your voice, too.” Deidara said, “We did it, hm.”

“Did what?” Hidan took another bite and made sure to chew loudly into the phone.

“Ugh, that’s disgusting, are you eating?”

“Yeah. And I’m laying in bed, Kakuzu fucking hates it, I’m making sure to get crumbs on his pillow so I can lick them off his face in the middle of the night. He's about to be my midnight snack later.”

“At least you’re not in the middle of sex, hm, that was disturbing, so much screaming.”

“Are you sure it was sex?” Hidan was sure Deidara had never called him while he was having sex with Kakuzu, and decided it might have been in the middle of one of his sacrifices, but he wasn’t going to tell Deidara that, the less he knew the better for everyone. Deidara couldn’t keep his mouth shut if he tried.

“Yeah, I’m sure it was, there was a lot of moaning, too. Whatever, anyways, we did it, hm.” Deidara sounded so proud of himself, Hidan could practically hear the smile Deidara surely had on his face.

“Did what?” Hidan swallowed, “Got into...an art show thing?” He took another bite and talked with his mouth full, “You should, everyone wants to get blown up by a figurine that sits on their bookcase.”

“No. And are you mocking my art?!”

Hidan looked at his sandwich and shook some crumbs onto Kakuzu's pillow before taking another big bite, “Why would I mock it, I think it’s pretty cool. Explosions and all that.”

“Huh...well alright...But no, it’s not about my art, hm, I made a porno with Sasori. You need to watch it, help it get views, yeah and then share it.”

Hidan choked on his lunch and started coughing violently. Just as Kakuzu walked in, he sat up.

“Hidan! What are you doing eating in bed? You’re getting crumbs everywhere. I keep telling you not to, it's disgusting. We're going to get cockroaches because of you.” Kakuzu complained as he walked by, “You’re worse than a kid.” He walked through to the bathroom and came back out a moment later when Hidan didn’t stop his coughing, “Are you choking to death? Where's your god, Jashin?”

“May...be…” Hidan gasped, finally having cleared his throat, “Water? Don't...Jashin is...real!” He had to defend his faith, if he did choke to death, he couldn't face Jashin if he didn't try.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes and went to get him a glass and handed it to him, rolling his eyes, "Don't die. I thought you were immortal."

“Thanks…” Hidan gasped and gulped down the water.

“Did Hidan just _thank_ someone? He must be in love, hm!” Deidara laughed on the line.

“Shut the fuck up you freak. I was just joking about the porno thing! And I’m not about to watch that shit!”

“It’s not shit!” Deidara argued, “It’s art! _Art!!”_

"Yeah, how about no. I’m not watching your shit porno.”

“No shit in it, that’s nasty. I’ll text you the link, be sure to watch and send it to all your friends so we can make money, hm!” Deidara hung up and a moment later Hidan got a link from him and after looking at it for a moment he asked Kakuzu for his credit card.

“Absolutely not.” Kakuzu said flatly, “You would have to pay me a large sum of money to watch a porno featuring those two.”

“It’s called ’The Artists Room’,” Hidan laughed loudly, “I was just joking, that dumbass actually went and fucking did it!” He was going to have to watch it to see how bad it was so he could make fun of Deidara and Sasori the next time he saw them, so he finished his sandwich and then went down to ask Zetsu if he could borrow his credit card while Kakuzu took a shower.

“I don’t have one.” Zetsu told him as he watered the plants in the living room, “And I haven’t had one since...college I think." He lifted a dying leaf and examined it before looking up at Hidan, "Have you been dumping your drinks into this tree?”

“Um, No…” Hidan lied. He had been pouring his drinks into them. Coffee that went cold, soda he didn’t finish and went flat, water that had sat out overnight and tasted weird the next day. Sometimes he poured whatever he didn't drink of a rum and coke into them. He took a few steps towards the stairs.

Zetsu just looked at him, “Then why is the soil always damp, and the leaves are dying.”

“Yeah, Zetsu, you know, I uh, don’t know much about plants, fuck, don’t ask me. Ask the plant, maybe it’ll tell you it’s secrets. Oh, and I'll have some more meat for you in a day or so.” Hidan sighed and thought he better not empty drinks into it anymore, he thought he was saving water or something, apparently not...And he did not want to piss Zetsu off by killing one of his precious plants. 

 

That night Hidan waited for Kakuzu to fall asleep, then he crept out of the bed and looked around for his wallet. Once he found it, Hidan took out the card and paused, casting his eyes over to the bed, half expecting Kakuzu to leap up and strangle him but he remained asleep. So Hidan unlocked his phone and clicked on the link Deidara sent as he giggled to himself as he sat down against the wall. He ended up having to make an account and and had to subscribe for the month, he thought he could just pay to see the one video, but whatever, Hidan shrugged, “He’ll never know, not until he gets the bill. Doesn’t give me my damn tips anyways, so fuck him.” He entered the card number and then pressed play on the Artists Room video.

He tried to be quiet as he watched, it was so awkward and amateurish and he had to cover his mouth to keep from laughing. It was terrible, the worst porn Hidan had ever seen. Sasori was painting and Deidara walked in and started to undress and then turned Sasori around to kiss him and start undressing him.

Just then, Kakuzu's phone rang and Hidan froze as Kakuzu sat up and answered it, yawning and rubbing his face. Hidan thought Kakuzu looked kind of cute doing that but any cuteness was immediately gone when whoever had called had started talking.

"What?! A nineteen dollar charge for a subscription to a _porn website?!_ Of course it's unauthorized!" Kakuzu sat up and looked around, finding Hidan sitting on the floor with his phone and pointed at him before crooking his finger, motioning for him to come.

On screen Hidan watched as Sasori put his canvas with wet paint on it on the floor,  _'Come here, you will become my masterpiece, I'll paint you with my cum.'_

Hidan snorted and started to laugh, pointing at his phone, "This is terrible, Kakuzu!!" He couldn't stop laughing and had tears in his eyes as he kept watching while Kakuzu was still on the phone.

_'Oh, master, turn me into your art, hm.'_

"Oh, huh...what are they..." Hidan tilted his head, "I'm not...I'm not sure what the fuck they're doing..." He crawled over, out of breath from laughing so hard, and made Kakuzu watch while he still talked to the person from his credit card company about the charge.

Kakuzu made a face as he saw the two artists doing what he thought was supposed to be sex but he really couldn't tell, there was a paintbrush involved. He didn't like it.

"Yes, I am sure I did not pay for porn on the internet!" Kakuzu growled into the phone and shoved Hidan away so hard he fell off the other side of the bed with a shout. "Reverse the charges or I'm going to cancel my card and go with another company!" He waited, glaring at Hidan as he righted himself, then hung up a moment later without so much as a thank you when he was told they charges would be reversed, his current card canceled, and that he would receive a new card within a few days. Then he turned to Hidan, "Get your ass over here."  
  
Hidan looked a little nervous, "Are you going to punch me?" 

A series of moans came from his phone and he looked down at it and his eyes went wide, "Damn...You know, Kuzu...it's uh, been a while. I'm not saying this turns me on, but, I uh, could really use a damn good fucking right now."

"That better not be turning you on." Kakuzu said as he reached over to pull Hidan up to him, "Stop watching that and just turn it off! It burns my eyes."  
  
Hidan laughed and glanced at his phone briefly before putting it on the nightstand and leaning over to kiss Kakuzu, "You must be in a good mood, you're not hitting or threatening me over this. You must've got your money back?"  
  
"Of course I did."   
  
"So, we got to watch free porn." Hidan snickered, nipping at Kakuzu's neck.

“That was really bad porn.” Kakuzu told him.

“Yeah, it actually really was but it was free so how bad could it be. I almost feel sorry for them, it has only twelve views.”

“One of those is you. You paid money to watch that crap.”

“I was just curious.”

“Sure you were. You're lucky I got my money back.” Kakuzu said and laughed quietly, which made Hidan smile as he climbed on top of Kakuzu and leaned down, kissing him softly, “What’s that for?” Kakuzu asked.

“You don’t laugh much, and I really like it when you do.” Hidan latched his mouth onto Kakuzu's throat, nipping and sucking, “And I’m really horny right now.”

“Not from that crap I hope.”

“No. Fuck me, Kakuzu, please.”

“Hmm...Hidan saying please? He must be desperate.” Kakuzu unknowingly repeating Deidara's words from earlier.

“I am. We’ve been so busy lately and hardly have any time...” He ground himself against Kakuzu’s growing erection, “I want you bad. Come on...”

Kakuzu wasted no time in rolling Hidan onto his back, flipping their positions, “I like it when you ask for it.”

“I pretty much always have to ask for it.” Hidan shoved his boxers down and kicked them off, then reached for Kakuzu’s pants and yanked them down, “It’s been so long...”

“You're right, it has been.” Kakuzu kissed him, “You owe me for that video.”

“Yeah, yeah, you keep my tips anyways so whatever. Just fuck me, Kakuzu! Seriously, come on, let’s fuck already!” He leaned up and caught Kakuzu’s mouth with his in a bruising kiss.

Kakuzu bit Hidan's lips, drawing blood, and lapped it up before pulling away and reaching over to the nightstand and grabbing the bottle of lube, "How do you want it?" 

"Make it fucking hurt." Hidan answered, "You know how I like it, why do you even have to ask?"

 

Hidan's head and shoulders were hanging off the edge of bed as Kakuzu pounded into him, holding onto his legs to keep him from falling the rest of the way, bloody scratches marked his pale flesh, dark bruises where Kakuzu had sucked the blood to the surface of his skin littered his throat, chest and his shoulders.

Hidan cried out with each thrust, being pushed closer and closer to the edge each time.

“Fuck! Harder, Kakuzu! Fuck me harder!”

Kakuzu obliged and slammed into him harder and harder, moaning each time, his fingers digging deep into Hidan’s thighs, leaving dark finger shaped bruises. 

Hidan lifted his hips just a little more and groaned loudly as Kakuzu hit him just right, he sucked in a breath, feeling his release get closer, “ _Fuck_ , oh shit,” he bit his lower lip so hard he broke the skin and bled. Bright red ran down the corner of his mouth, onto his cheek and Kakuzu pulled him up to lick the blood from his mouth, loving the metallic tang. Hidan wrapped his arms around Kakuzu's neck and came hard with a shout, spurts of hot cum hitting Kakuzu's belly and smearing between them.  Kakuzu came moments later, moaning Hidan’s name as he filled Hidan with thick ropes of cum.

As they attempted to catch their breath, Kakuzu held Hidan close, keeping one arm around him, kissing him, sucking Hidan's still bleeding lip into his mouth with a soft moan. He thought he must have bit too deep for it to still be bleeding, it usually stopped by then.

“Fuck me like that every night and I’ll do anything you want.” Hidan practically purred as he snuggled closer, breathing in Kakuzu’s scent before kissing him, leaving a smear of blood behind while Kakuzu ran his hand down Hidan’s throat, admiring the bruises and marks he had left behind, they looked beautiful to him, and he kissed the darkest ones, running his tongue over them, he could taste the blood that was just below the surface of Hidan’s skin. Kakuzu lowered them to the bed and kept his arm around Hidan and watched as he fell asleep before checking his credit card account on his phone to make sure they refunded him for the charge.  

They both regretted not showering when they woke the next morning, and Hidan was stiff and sore and Kakuzu had to pull him into the shower with him, “You need it.”

Hidan groaned as the hot water hit him, “It feels so good…” He couldn't remember being so sore the next day and decided it was due to them not having sex in so long.

“Don’t waste too much time under there, hurry up.”

“Hey, Kuzu, rub my back will you? I can barely move.”

“Turn around then.” Kakuzu grabbed the bath scrub and poured a sensible amount of shower gel on it and started to scrub Hidan’s back.

“That’s not rubbing my back…”

“You’re filthy, let me wash you first.” He spread Hidan’s cheeks and ran the scrub between them as Hidan yelped.

“Hey! I can do part that myself!”

Kakuzu wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him closer, “I made such a mess of you last night, let me clean you up now.” He bit the shell of Hidan’s ear and spoke lowly, “We have to open the shop in a couple hours, let's just enjoy some time together before then.”

Hidan shivered at that, “Oh shit, Kuzu, you wanna fuck me again so soon?”

“After I clean you up..” He slid his hand down Hidan’s chest and grabbed his hardening cock, “You can handle more, can’t you?”

“Oh Jashin...fuck yes.” Hidan gasped, thrusting into Kakuzu’s hand.

 

 

Hidan couldn't wait for the day to be over so he could curl up with Kakuzu in bed. He was tired and sore, but pleasantly so. He grinned, not paying attention as he took the order of the trucker in the booth, everything pretty much tasted all the same anyways, and went back to the kitchen to give Zetsu the order.

"Are you two going to be screaming all night again?" 

"Probably not, why?"  
  
"Because I'd like to sleep, that's why!" Zetsu snapped, "I barely slept at all last night and had to use earplugs. Here." He handed Hidan a plate with a lovely burrito on it, "Maybe the reason my plant is dying is from having to listen to you two screw each others brains out."  
  
"I wish he'd screw my brains out more, damn..." Hidan's stomach growled just then and he looked at the pan of meat, "Hey, is there anything I'd want to eat around here?"  
  
Zetsu looked at the pan, "Well, if you're wanting chicken or beef, no. This is one of yours."   
  
"Fuck...I thought so. I guess I'll have to wait until we close..."  
  
Hidan served the trucker and refilled his drink before going to sit with Kakuzu at the counter, "Hey, Kakuzu. You wanna go into town sometime together soon? Like a date?" 

"Alright, sure, we can go, I needed to get some supplies and we needed to do some grocery shopping."

"That...is not a date." Hidan grumbled, "Like it wasn't a date when you took me to get those shots either but you tried to say it was."  
  
"Hidan, we can get lunch or something together while we're there, but we still need to do some shopping as well." Kakuzu motioned for Hidan to go take care of their customer, "He's the last one, start cleaning up while I count everything in the register." 

Hidan did his clean up as fast as he could, he needed to make another sacrifice for Jashin, sure that his god was not very pleased with the old coyote. Jashin demanded souls, and there was some debate about whether or not animals had souls. But he had also promised Kakuzu he wouldn't murder anyone, so he wasn't sure what to do. He felt torn as he finished sweeping, "Hey, I'm gonna go, I might uh, go for a drive, I need to get out of here for a bit. I'll be back later though."  
  
Without looking up from his money, Kakuzu nodded, "Alright, don't do anything you shouldn't be doing, Hidan."   
  
Hidan didn't respond to that and pushed open the doors and stepped out into the warm night air and crossed the parking lot and went into the house, grabbing his keys and from the coffee table before taking the steps two at a time. He walked into the bedroom and knelt beside the bed and reached under it, pulling out a case with his knives in it. He selected two and carried them downstairs and out to his car. After stashing them under the passenger seat he started the engine, driving away. Just before pulling out onto the road he glanced in the rearview to see Kakuzu look up from counting his money.  

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jashin speaks to Hidan and he feels he must obey, and Kakuzu suspects that he's gone out killing again. Zetsu is irritated that there is no privacy and he can hear everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little different from the previous ones, including the tone, there's a lot less dialogue here and I hope it's ok and you like it. Sasori and Deidara will show up soon, in person and not in a porno but not in this chapter.

 

Hidan hoped Kakuzu wouldn’t come after him, but he was so busy counting his money he probably wouldn’t. Hidan drove down to the very end of the road and stopped at the pointless stop sign and sat there, unsure of what to do. He needed to make a real sacrifice, Jashin demanded it! He wasn’t sure what would happen if he didn’t, but he knew it would not be good for him.

But on the other hand Kakuzu would be _so_ angry if he found out. It had been Hidan’s fault in the first place that they got caught...no matter how much he wanted to say it was both their faults, he knew it was mainly his. He loved Kakuzu, and didn’t want to disappoint him, but his god was important, too. Punching the middle of the steering wheel, the horn blared, breaking the silence, and Hidan turned towards the highway. Maybe if he drove for a bit it would help him decide.

Coyotes were not cutting it, he wasn’t feeling the same after, or during, the ritual. His wounds were taking too long to heal and he wasn't feeling as energetic as he usually did. Jashin demanded sacrifices from his followers, and Hidan had to do as was required of him. Or risk incurring the wrath of an angry God of Death. As Hidan drove along the empty stretch of road and after about fifteen minutes he came to the highway on ramp and took it. He loved driving at night out in the desert, there was hardly any traffic, it wasn’t like being in the city at all, where there was traffic at all hours of the day and night and it took forty minutes to drive less than twenty miles.

Lowering the window, Hidan enjoyed the wind blowing in on him, cool and dry, smelling of sage brush and dust. He liked it. Better than the smog and exhaust he was used to for so long. He turned on the radio but all that came in was a few country stations, and talk radio. He scanned the radio for something and it landed on a religious station, he heard something about ‘obeying god in all you do’ and immediately shut off the radio as goosebumps pilled down his arms, making the pale hairs stand on end. 

It was a sign. Jashin was speaking directly to him. 

And then an idea came to him, as if planted there and he believed Jashin had given him the idea. He could sacrifice someone who wouldn’t be missed, someone who would appreciate being put out of their misery. With his mind made up, and feeling at peace, Hidan drove until he came to the exit for the outlet mall. Why they built an outlet mall in literally the middle of absolutely fucking nowhere, Hidan would never understand, but they had and it was better than driving all the way to the nearest city.

At the light, Hidan came to a stop, feeling excited and energized. Finally, after so long, he would make a worthy sacrifice to Lord Jashin. Yes...he felt tingly all over as he pressed down on the gas, turning towards the outlets.

The shops had recently closed and so there weren’t many people, but that was alright because Hidan didn’t want to take one of the shoppers. No, he would select someone who would not be missed. At all. Someone people would be happy to have gone missing. He drove around the parking lot, then exited and drove down the back side of the buildings. He noticed the lights flicker but thought nothing of it. Lights sometimes went out. His heart was sinking though when he didn’t find what he was looking for...maybe he would have to go into town to do it. He really didn’t want to, that would be an all night event. He would do it if he had to though.

But there, as he came almost to the end of the lot, he spotted it. A small encampment. Someone living at the back of the building. Sleeping on cardboard box with a small collection of all their worldly possessions and some bags of fast food most likely bought by people thinking they were doing good by handing out scraps of food.

“Ah, Lord Jashin, do you see me? Are you pleased with me tonight? Will you watch over me so I may perform Your Will?” Hidan asked softly, he hoped his god would be. He reached for his pendant and lifted it to his lips, kissing it with reverence and a whispered prayer on his lips. He slowed the car and came to a stop and put the window down.

“Excuse me.” He called out, keeping his voice calm and gentle and with a look of innocence, “I am a servant of the One True Lord, I am here to help you. Won’t you come with me?” He hoped his sacrifice wouldn’t dirty up his car...Kakuzu would have a fit.

 

The person sat up, he was old, thin and had a worn out, faded military hat on.

“You want to help me?”

“Yes, please sir, come with me. I can, and will, help you.” He made himself look as innocent and pious as he possibly could and slowly the man got to his feet.

“God bless you, young man.” He took his bag and was picking up his cardboard when Hidan cursed silently to himself.

“You won’t need that anymore, just bring your bag, we can go.”  
  
Hidan put the windows down, wrinkling his nose in disgust at the smell once the man got in and hoped there weren’t security cameras, he hadn’t seen any, and drove away. He got back on the highway, back towards the burrito shop. The man asked where they were going and Hidan told him they would be going to greet the lord together.

Halfway back, Hidan exited and took a road that lead to nowhere, it was so dark, and soon the pavement ended and it became a dirt track. He coughed as dust blew in through the open windows and he could tell the man next to him was getting worried.

“H,hey, where are we going?!” He wanted to know.

“Can't you shut up?! I already fucking told you!” Hidan shouted, he was losing his patience, he couldn't keep up the pious act any longer, “We are going to fucking meet God!”  
  
Hidan locked the doors and had to put the passenger window up as the man attempted to flee the moving vehicle and he hit the gas, trying to get as far out from the highway as possible. Sometimes truck drivers would pull off the road to sleep for the night. He wanted to take his time, and not be rushed or worse- interrupted and have the cops called on him.

 

Kakuzu was dressed for bed and reading on the couch downstairs in the living room waiting for Hidan to come back. He had called a couple of times and sent a few texts but there had been no reply. Looking at the clock in irritation, he saw that Hidan had been gone for almost two hours already. Zetsu had gone to bed, or at least to his room. And while Kakuzu enjoyed some peace and quiet alone, he worried about what Hidan was up to. He sent another text asking where the hell he was but again there was no reply, the messages not even read. So Kakuzu waited, and hoped he was wrong about what he thought Hidan was doing. He would never forgive him and he would not help get him off the hook if he got caught...not again.

 

Hidan’s eyes rolled back as he made a cut on his thigh. Yes...it felt _so good_...Oh, how had he missed this. The man he had selected cowered in fear as Hidan had licked his blood from a knife and changed from pale white to black before his eyes, white markings like a skeleton appearing, making him look skeletal.

“Wh,what are you?” The man whispered, “What demon are you?!” Tears ran down his cheeks as Hidan loomed before him.

“I am no demon, but a loyal servant of Lord Jashin, and you, good sir, shall be cleansed, we will share the pain together and you will earn an eternity by Jashin’s side.”

The man begged for his life and Hidan rolled his eyes, "What life? I'm doing you a favor, don't be a such a little bitch about it! Now..." He drug the blade across his thigh again, blood welling up and running down his leg as he shuddered, "Let's begin." 

  
  
Slamming his book shut, Kakuzu called Hidan once more and again there was no answer. He checked the log and saw he had tried to call twenty times over five hours. He had sent at least thirty text messages as well. He was pissed. He knew _exactly_ what Hidan had done and he was going to kick him out as soon as he came back home! 

He went upstairs to wait in the bedroom, slamming the door so hard the windows rattled. Pacing, he grabbed Hidan’s pillow and threw it across the room. He grabbed the cup Hidan used to drank water out of in the middle of the night and threw that across the room. It sailed through the air, into the bathroom and flew down the counter and into the sink. He was going to murder Hidan, forget throwing him out, he would just kill him and be done with it, and maybe kill Zetsu while he was at it.

It was then that he heard his car drive up, the tires crunching the gravel in the parking lot and Kakuzu went to look out the window. Hidan had the headlights off, probably hoping that Kakuzu would be asleep. But Kakuzu was not asleep, he was very much awake, and went out onto the balcony, “Hidan!”  
  
Hidan froze, his hands tight on the wheel. He was covered in blood, mostly his own. His wounds healing. He inhaled deeply, his god was pleased with him tonight, it would be alright. Jashin had provided for him.

He steadied himself and got out to go around to the trunk.

“Hidan, I swear! If you did what I think you did, I’ll drown you in that pool!” He would hold him under the water himself and Hidan would regret ever thinking of asking for the pool.

 

“Kakuzu, would you shut the fuck up?!”

“How about both of you shut the fuck up?” Zetsu shouted from the front door. He was wearing nothing but a pair of hot pink boxer briefs and his hair was messy.

“This is my home, you just live in it, you don’t get to tell me to shut up!” Kakuzu growled, “I’ll come down there and shut you up if you don’t go back to bed and give us some semblance of privacy!”

“You two are so loud, there is no such thing as privacy around here...But whatever! I’ll go back to bed and listen to you fight from there. Maybe later I'll put some earplugs in so when you have your make up fuck session, I won’t have to listen to it!” Zetsu let the door slam shut as he went back inside.

“Motherfucking plant freak…” Hidan muttered, “Hey, Kakuzu! Get your ass down here and help me! Jashin has provided for his beloved. That would be me, in case you were wondering.” He gave Kakuzu a toothy grin and waited.

“If there’s a body in that trunk…” Kakuzu started.

Hidan popped the trunk and reached in, “Oh, Jashin...beautiful…” He reached in and ran his hand lovingly over his kill.

Moments later Kakuzu came stomping out and came to stand next to Hidan, he was covered in blood.

“You killed.”

“Yeah, help me with this.”

As he came closer, Kakuzu looked into the trunk and breathed out. He had braced himself for a dead body. But instead he saw a good sized deer in the trunk, a black eye looking up at him, unseeing.

“A deer.” 

“Yeah, what’d you think was back here? A dead body? Shit man, I’m not that fucking stupid.” No, he had dug a deep, deep hole and buried the homeless man he sacrificed. When he was done, and the hole was filled in, he drove over it to pack the dirt down and on his way back towards the road, he prayed to Jashin for a way to cover it up, to hide it from Kakuzu, so he wouldn’t find out. He almost crashed into the deer as soon as he was done.

Relief washed over Kakuzu, he had been so sure...but was glad he had been wrong, “You killed a deer.” He said, as if he needed to confirm it though he could clearly see the animal in the trunk.

“Yeah, come on, help me get this out, we can clean it up and eat it! It’s not like those nasty coyotes, this one is truly a gift from god.” Hidan felt such peace in his heart like he had not felt in so long, and knew Jashin was finally pleased with him once more.

“I thought there was going to be a dead body in here.”

“I can tell you with one hundred percent honesty, Kakuzu, that there was _never_ a dead body in my car. Not tonight, not any night.”

 

Several days later while flipping through channels, Hidan landed on the news and felt the blood drain from his face as a picture of the man he sacrificed was on the screen and someone was being interviewed about it. They said they missed the old man, that they were worried for him.

Hidan wanted to laugh. If they cared so much about him, they wouldn’t have left the old man to sleep on a cardboard box behind a shopping center! He was in a better place now, he had earned his spot next to Jashin.

The reporter spoke into the camera, ‘Security cameras failed to capture footage of the vehicle and person inside, a power surge is said to have occurred shortly before he was abducted. If you have any information about this disappearance, you are urged to call police.’

While warming up something to eat in the microwave, Kakuzu looked out to the living room to ask Hidan if he wanted anything and frowned, “Are you alright? You look really pale.”

“Huh? Oh...I’m fine.” Hidan nodded, “I just…” He laughed, “I thought of something is all.” He sighed, Jashin had protected him, he was watching over him. He already knew, but having proof of that washed away any guilt he felt about killing behind Kakuzu’s back. Jashin was pleased and Hidan felt better than he had in months, and Kakuzu was happy with the deer. Everything was alright. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hidan has a strange dream and Deidara calls him repeatedly way too early in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t think I’d be updating this fic for a while but here I am. I don’t know if anyone is still reading this, but I’ll finish it, eventually. I can’t say when the next update will be though but I’m hoping to finish this by the end of the year along with the trailer park fic. So I'm trying to set time aside to work on these and update them more regularly.  
> This chapter isn’t as long as I’m used to writing, but I felt like that was a good place to end it. 
> 
> This chapter takes place a few days, to no more than a week after the last one.

 

Hidan was woken by Kakuzu shoving him in the bed and the sound of his ringtone blaring and vibrating on the nightstand next to his head.

“Shut your damn phone off!” Kakuzu rolled over, turning his back to Hidan, “It’s too early for this shit.”  
Forcing his eyes open, Hidan reached over, knocking a cup of water onto the floor before reaching his phone that had just stopped all it’s commotion just as his hand landed on it. “Fuck...I was just about to answer it.”   
  
“Why don’t you shut up? I’d like to sleep.”   
  
“It’s morning.” Hidan argued, rubbing his eyes with his free hand as he checked to see who had called. Deidara. Of course it was him. Three missed calls all in a row. Why the hell was he up so early? He hadn’t left a voicemail so it couldn’t be all that important and Hidan shoved his phone under his pillow, rolled onto his side with his back to Kakuzu and went back to sleep.

* * *

 

He was dreaming. He had to be because he hadn’t gotten out of bed. Hidan looked around at the room he was in, it looked just like his and Kakuzu’s but something else was there...something just out of sight. Blinking, he saw Kakuzu asleep, snoring softly. He hated the sound of snoring and walked over to him, leaning over and peering at him before pinching his nose shut.

Kakuzu sputtered and Hidan laughed quietly to himself. Whatever dream he was having, it was pretty weird...and he didn’t normally realize he was dreaming. That wasn’t normal, but he could hardly say his mental state was. He was still standing next to the bed when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye.

“What, is Zetsu in this dream, too?” He turned around, fully expecting to see his strange….friend? Colleague? Roommate? Whatever Zetsu was, he wasn’t there. There was just a presence that sent a chill straight to Hidan’s bones and he froze. Whatever it was, it was powerful, and dark and there was something malicious about it.

He heard his name all around him, in his mind, and it weighed on him. Brought to his knees, Hidan shuddered and looked away, blinking away tears as his vision blurred. He was crying? No...he didn’t cry, but the enormity of what was before him was just overwhelming. And then he realized that there was something...familiar about whatever presence was in that doorway. He just couldn’t place it.

Again that annoying tune blared from under his pillow, breaking whatever spell he was cast under, and he slid his eyes over to his pillow to find himself sleeping there. That was...weird...to see yourself in your own dream. He saw Kakuzu shift and his arm reach out and just as he watched himself get hit, he woke up.

* * *

 

“Hidan!”

“OW! Fuck!!” Hidan sat up suddenly, his heart pounding and his eyes going directly to the doorway. There was nothing there. Just like there had been nothing there in his dream. It was just a stupid dream, that’s all.

“Are you going to answer that fucking phone, Hidan?! If you don’t, I swear! I’m going to smash it against the wall!” Kakuzu shouted, reaching under the pillow and grabbing the phone. He pulled his arm back and was about to throw it down the hall towards the bathroom when Hidan grabbed his hand.

“Don’t you dare, you bastard!” He pried his phone out of the deathgrip Kakuzu had on it and answered it, his strange dream forgotten, “Deidara! What the fuck, you better be dead to be calling this early!”   
  
Giving on on sleep, Kakuzu grumbled about idiot artists who were probably on drugs and never slept, as he got up and went downstairs to make some coffee.

“You want to _what?!”_ Hidan screeched into the phone as he followed Kakuzu down, “I couldn’t hear what you said because my old man was muttering about you and I was trying to hear what he was saying so I could tell you, but did you say you want to move in here with us?” Hidan ran into the back of Kakuzu who had stopped on the last step at the bottom of the stairs.

“Absolutely not.” Kakuzu said, “I already have to live here with Zetsu, I am not spending my days with Deidara and Sasori. No.”

_“Tell Kakuzu that we’ll pay rent.”_ Came Sasori’s voice over the phone.

“They’ll pay rent.”

“The answer is still no. This is _my_  house. If they want to live in a house, tell them to go find one of their own.”   
  
There was some scuffling over the phone and then Deidara shouted, _“Hidan, please! You gotta help us, hm! They’re kicking us out! We have no money and-”_

_“Shut up, give me the phone. I’m better at this kind of stuff than you are.”_

“I don’t want to talk to you Sasori, put Deidara back on.” Hidan said, sitting on the stairs while Kakuzu was off in the kitchen getting a pot of coffee going.

_“You’re my best friend, Hidan, please, you have to help us. We got an eviction notice and have two weeks to get out! I can’t live on the streets! I’m too pretty to be homeless! Think of what they’ll do to me!”_

Keeping his voice down, Hidan asked, “If you have no money, how can you pay us rent?”  
  
_“We’ll figure it out when we get there, please, convince your money grubbing boyfriend to let us stay there. It won’t be for too long. I promise, hmm.”_ Deidara sniffled and Hidan sighed.

He had always been a sucker for Deidara’s tears, real or fake, he hated it, but that's how it was. He ran a hand through his hair before getting to his feet, “Alright...I’ll see what I can do. Gimme a few days, yeah?”  
  
_“You’re the best, Hidan!”_

Sasori's voice could be heard from the background, _“That’s insulting to me, but whatever.”_

“Tell that ginger creep to go whatever his ass, oh wait! Go tell him to shove that paintbrush-”

_“I HAVE TO GO NOW!”_ Deidara screamed and ended the call.

Hidan walked into the kitchen and stood in front of the coffee maker, “Kakuzu...they’re my friends, I can’t just let them get evicted with nowhere to go. I wouldn’t ask for anyone else and you know it. Let them stay for a little while. They’re offering to pay rent.”  
  
“No.” Kakuzu grabbed a mug and took the pot of coffee and poured himself some, then put the pot back, “I will not have more of your friends living in here with us. It’s bad enough with Zetsu around. He’s a creep.”   
  
It took a lot for Kakuzu to be creeped out by anyone, and Hidan had to admit he was a disturbing guy.

“Yeah, I know, but Dei and Sasori aren’t like him.”  
  
“Hidan-”   
  
“No, I’m insisting on this! They need some help, they will pay you rent, what do you have to lose here?!” Hidan forgot about the coffee and was advancing on Kakuzu who had moved on to get the creamer out of the fridge, “I live here, too!”   
  
“Yes, you live here, and now you want all your friends to move in, too! What do I have to lose? How about my sanity?!” He slammed the refrigerator door shut and picked up his mug, the coffee sloshing out over the rim, “My answer is no!”   
  
“Well I’m telling them they can come stay! For fucking free!” Hidan got up in his face but Kakuzu did not back down.

“You do that, Hidan, and see what happens! Maybe I’ll sacrifice you to your own god!”   
  
They stood there, inches apart, “They will pay rent. That means more money for you.” Hidan said through gritted teeth, “And they won’t stay long.”   
  
Kakuzu grabbed him by the throat and pushed him away, “Your breath stinks. Why don’t you go brush your teeth.”   
  
“I just woke up, yours aint any better.”   
 

“Let me think about it.” He walked out of the kitchen with his coffee mug and left through the backdoor as Hidan grinned and went back over to the coffee maker and got himself a cup. 

 

Kakuzu spent all the rest of the morning doing calculations. He took into consideration how much extra water and electricity two people would use would cost, and dividing his monthly mortgage into fifths, that he came up with a number and went to find Hidan at the pool.

“Get out and come look at this.” Kakuzu told him, “And tell me if they can afford it.”   
  
Hidan finished his lap before climbing out, making sure to take as much water as he could with him. He snickered to himself as Kakuzu’s feet and the hem of his jeans got all wet.

“Yes, yes, that’s very amusing, Hidan. We live in a desert. It isn’t going to rain until winter which isn’t for a long time. So stop wasting the water from your damn pool.”    
  
“Fine...what did you come up with?” He took the paper with Kakuzu’s neat math problems all over it, “If I were your teacher, I’d give you a fucking ‘A’. Look at this shit.” He marvelled at the neat rows of numbers.

“Hidan…” Kakuzu groaned, “Just tell me if they can afford to pay this.” He pointed to a circled amount.

_No they can’t_ , Hidan thought, but he wasn’t about to say it, “I’ll call Dei and ask, but I think so, it’s less than what their rent is currently.” 

“Then call and find out.” Kakuzu stepped out of Hidan’s puddle and went to sit down under a shade umbrella to wait.

Hidan picked up his phone from where he left it under his towel and quickly sent a text, _‘You can come stay, but you have to pay five hundred a month.’_

_ ‘WTF that’s too much!’  _

_ ‘Well, get a job, there’s a new shopping center not too far and some outlets.’  _

_ ‘Work?’  _

Hidan rolled his eyes, _‘Too good for work, are you? It’s up to you, take it or leave it. It’s a hell of a lot less than whatever you pay now.’_

_ ‘Alright, well, I guess we can.’  _

Walking over to where Kakuzu was sitting, he nodded, "He says they can pay it."   
  
"Good. And they clean up after themselves, do their own dishes, clean their own bathroom, cook their own food. I'm not running a daycare here."  
  
Hidan rolled his eyes, "Damn you're a real grinch, you know that? They're adults, they clean up after themselves." He hoped so anyways, he didn't want to be made a liar because of them. He may be a murderer, but he liked to think he was an honest one. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasori and Deidara have a long drive ahead of them to get to their new home, stopping at several tourist traps along the way and we learn of the fate of that paintbrush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve had this chapter written since last spring. Yes. It's ridiculous, I know. I’m not completely happy with the last two chapters, and spent a little extra time editing this one. We get a change here as this chapter is all about Deidara and Sasori and their very exciting trip to the burrito shop. Please enjoy!! If you like it, please let me know, I really love hearing from my readers hoes. I’m also on the lookout for a beta reader for this and my trailer park fic, for grammar and punctuation and plot help.  
> Takes place two weeks after the last chapter.

* * *

 

Deidara had just texted Hidan, telling him they were just leaving and would be there soon. He opened the passenger door of his and Sasori’s car and got in, shutting the door a little too hard and earning himself an irritated look from Sasori who was already in the driver’s seat and had been for the last fifteen minutes waiting. “So, how long til we get there?”

“Ten hours, at least, and that’s if we don’t stop.”

Not expecting that, Deidara made a face, “But...that’s a really long time, hm. A _really_ long time to be stuck in the car together...”

Sasori didn’t say anything but looked in the backseat, it was completely packed with their stuff. Clothes, blankets, pillows, paints, clay, candles, various art supplies, lotion, hair and bath products, food. He could just barely see out the back window. The trunk, too, was packed to capacity, not to mention the small U-Haul trailer that contained Deidara’s kiln and even more stuff. Neither of them were able to part with much more than some clothing that had gone out of style, and Sasori threw away one single paint brush that had been places no paintbrush should ever have been. And it had all been caught on camera and uploaded onto the internet.

Sasori was not looking forward to being cooped up in the car with Deidara and all their worldly possessions for the next ten hours, that was for sure, and he knew it could be longer if they stopped along the way. But there was really nothing he could do about it, and rather than waste anymore time, he turned the key in the ignition and pulled away from the curb. Immediately some idiot almost walked out in front of them before they even drove away from their apartment building and Sasori laid on the horn and giving him a death glare as he sped away.

While Deidara found a radio station to listen to, Sasori put in the address, muttering the entire times about Hidan and Kakuzu’s god forsaken ‘house’, how he couldn’t believe it had come to this and it better be temporary.

“Slow down!” Deidara shouted as they went through what was a yellow light but had turned to red as they got to the crosswalk, “You’re going to kill us, hm!”

“Do you want to drive?”

“Not with that trailer on the back, no.”

“Then shut up and stop complaining.” Sasori looked down at the phone to finish the address and set it as the destination, taking his eyes off the road yet again. Deidara gripped the door handle, his heart rate picking up.

“Um, you know, the road-- the one we’re driving on, hmm? Well, it’s up here. Not down there on your phone.”

“I know where the fucking road is. I’m putting in the address.”

“We’re going to die. I don’t want to die in this car. I’m too young and beautiful and the world hasn’t seen my art, yet! I can’t die until-”

“I will kill you if you don’t shut up, and will save the world from the suffering it would endure if it knew of your so-called ‘art’.” Sasori said, finally looking up and braking suddenly to avoid hitting the car in front of them.

Deidara checked his seatbelt, checked that the airbag light was on, and then prayed to every god he could think of for a safe trip, even the one Hidan worshipped. He took away people’s pain and suffering, right? And since Deidara was suffering in the car with Sasori almost killing them at least once a mile, he decided that would be a good one to pray to.

“Shall I stop somewhere so you can get some weed to relax and not freak out for the next, however many hours we’ll be driving for?”

“No. I’m good, I got a delivery from Mr. Green the other day, so I’ve got enough, hm.” Deidara said, “I’ll be fine. Just...don’t kill us, my man. And _don’t_ ruin my kiln, hm. I will kill you and dispose of your body in it!”

Sasori wasn’t even listening, “Hmm...I want to make sure we have enough though...living with both Hidan and Kakuzu will be bad enough, but Zetsu too?” He shook his head, “We’re stopping at the next dispensary we pass.” And since they were practically all over the place, they didn’t have to wait long to come across one.

Once they had stocked up on weed, and edibles, they were back on the road. Getting out of the city was the worst of it. Sasori seemed to forget that they were towing a small trailer and would pass people any chance he got, which also meant he was cutting people off and pissing a lot of people off.

Deidara had never been so terrified in a car as he was then, and he had never had so many people honking and shouting at them before. It was kind of embarrassing. Once out of the city, the traffic thinned out and Deidara relaxed enough to complain that his favorite stations weren’t coming in anymore.

“Why don’t you have satellite radio on this? I’m not listening to these weird country stations or gospel the whole way.”

Slowly, Sasori turned his head to look at the blond, and blinked slowly, “Do you know what year this piece of junk car is? Does it _look_ like it has satellite radio capabilities? You’re lucky it has a CD player. In fact, here, take the wheel while I--”

“Sasori! Brakes!! We’re going to fucking die!!” Deidara screamed, pointing straight ahead.

Sasori looked forward, glanced in the mirror and swerved into the next lane to avoid crashing into a tractor trailer, “Where did that come from?” Sasori asked with a glare as they passed it, flipping off the driver, “And stop screaming at me. It’s your screaming that’ll get us killed!”

“That truck...it’s been there, this whole time. It’s just that we’re going so much faster than it, so we came up on it faster than you expected, hm. I’m going to fucking die with you driving…”

“You’re not dead, we didn’t crash.”

“We were close, hm.”

“But it was a miss.” Sasori pointed out, “And in driving, a miss is a pass.”

Several hours later, they had made it out of the cities and into the desert where they stopped for gas. As soon as Sasori shut off the engine, Deidara jumped out of the car and ran into the gas station to use the toilet and get something to drink.

On his way out, he looked around, thinking that it was a rather drab place, but his art would really liven it up. As he looked around, he saw something in the distance. It was a giant concrete dinosaur, rising up from the flat, barren landscape.

“Sasori!” He ran over to the car, “Sasori, my man, look!”

Dead eyes looked at him, “You got a drink, congratulations. Get in.” He couldn't have sounded more excited if he tried.

“No, look! Dinosaurs!” He pointed down the road, “It’s on the way, I wanna stop and see them, yeah!”

“No. Get in.” Sasori had considered driving into oncoming traffic and just being done with this whole idiotic plan. The thought of enduring countless more hours in the car with Deidara, him wanting to stop at roadside attractions, and then after all that suffering, he would have to live with Hidan, Kakuzu and Zetsu. It was enough to make him want to kill himself.

“What? No! We’re stopping to see them.”

Rolling his eyes, Sasori turned on the car, “We’re not. We have a long ways to go still, I don’t want to get there too late. I don’t want to get there at all. But unless we die, that’s where we’re going. Now, get in.”

“No.”

Sasori thought Deidara stomped his foot but he couldn’t be sure as his view was blocked by the door of the car. He put the car in drive and released the handbrake, then told him again to get in the car.

“Not until you agree to stop to see those dinosaurs, hm.”

“What are you? Three? Get in the damned car, you brat!”

Deidara did not get in the car, “You know, Hidan told me that you shouldn’t-”

“Hidan, huh?! Why do you always listen to what Hidan tells you to do?! It’s his fault my favorite paintbrush is in a landfill now! Here’s an idea, call your precious Hidan and ask him to come pick you up!” Sasori pushed the gas and drove forward, out of the gas station and Deidara went chasing after him.

“Hey! Stop, come back here! You can’t leave me here like this!”

Sasori stopped the car in the middle of the driveway to the gas station, blocking other cars from being able to get in or out. People were watching from the gas pumps, shaking their heads and one person had their phone out, laughing while recording them. Deidara ran around to the passenger side and got in the car and before he could even shut the door or put his seatbelt on, Sasori was pulling out of the gas station and drove over the curb, resulting in a loud bang from the trailer.

“If you put fireworks in there…”

With a look of glee, Deidara was leaning forward saying, “Why would I put those lousy things in there? I used them all up the other day. I’ve heard you can get the really good ones out in the desert, from Mexico! I’m going to-”

“Sit back, I can’t see.” Sasori deadpanned as he reached his arm across and shoved Deidara back into his seat with a perfectly manicured hand, nails painted a deep emerald green, and leaned over to look out the passenger window to check for oncoming cars before crossing the lanes to get back on the freeway.

“The dinosaurs, Sasori my man! Come on! How many times are we going to be out this way? I want to see them, please, for me!”

“No. For the last fucking time, Deidara: No!”

Deidara looked sadly out the window as they passed the large brontosaurus and tyrannosaurus, then he glared out his own window and sighed loudly, “You’re the worst boyfriend, ever, Sasori.”

“Yes, I’m horrible, I didn’t take my girlfriend to the dinosaurs.”

“You’re such an ass, I’m not your girlfriend! Don't fucking call me that, shortstuff. So what, I wanted to see the stupid fucking dinosaurs, you never take me anywhere anymore. I’ve never seen them before, what’s so bad about stopping for twenty minutes and avoiding a fight, hm? Why can’t you just do that for me?!”

“I'm not short." Sasori muttered, though he supposed he deserved it calling Deidara his girlfriend like that, "I take you out when I can afford to, Deidara. We’re completely broke right now. This trip is already long enough, but your constant complaining and screaming about my driving is making it feel even longer. And I don’t want to stop and waste my time looking at some lame ass tourist trap. You’ll survive without seeing it.”

Deidara stared straight ahead as something dawned on him. “Oh my god...We’re going to _live_ in a tourist trap.”

“Not really. I’m sure Jashin’s Burrito’s isn’t a hot tourist destination. They probably have a ‘C’ at best from the health department and if you eat there you probably end up with food poisoning, if you’re lucky.”

Deidara’s eyes widened, “We’re...going...to live...in a burrito shop...with a 'C' rating... Oh my god…”

“Why…why do you have to say it?”

“Sasori, what have we agreed to? And we’re... _paying them to live in it!”_

“No, we’re not.” Sasori said with a smirk, “I know a few things about those two, my dear

Deidara, we are not going to pay a cent.”

“But, Hidan said that Kakuzu said we have to pay rent.”

Sasori looked over with a grin, “I don’t care what he said, after I’m done with him, _they_ will be paying _us_.”

Deidara wondered just what Sasori knew that would get them out of paying rent. Hidan and Kakuzu had just stood trial for murder, but were found not guilty. He knew Hidan since they were kids, they were best friends growing up, he didn’t think he would actually kill someone…He wasn’t evil. Sure he could be aggressive and violent but actually murdering someone...Deidara didn’t want to consider it. The boy who had saved him from countless bullies on the playground and stood up for him, he couldn’t believe he would kill.

“My drink is finished…” Deidara said sadly, “Sasori...please...can we stop for the dinosaurs?”

Letting out a loud, drawn out sigh, Sasori said, “They’re miles behind us, no.”  
  
Sasori knew he was never going to hear the end of it. What was so special about some hideous, weather beaten dinosaurs he had no idea, but Deidara would not shut up about them and really wanted to see them for some reason. And he just knew he would hear about it the rest of his life. Looking over at Deidara, he also actually looked pretty sad about it.

“You wouldn’t take me to the mall inside of Caesars Palace either...but you took me to the fucking M&M store. And I hate M&M’s! You know, you’re not really that great of a boyfriend, in fact, I told Hidan about how you never take me places and how you insult me and my art and he said that I should-”

Sasori took the exit and Deidara stopped talking and they got back on the freeway in the opposite direction.

“What are you doing, hm? Why are we going back?”

“You want to see some stupid dinosaurs so damn bad, Deidara? Well, I’ll take you to see the stupid dinosaurs. I’ll be the kind of boyfriend you apparently want since the way I am isn’t good enough. But you won’t keep bringing up all the places I never took you before this! And stop telling your love life to Hidan of all people. What does he know about romance? Look at his own relationship. They treat each other worse than I’ve ever treated you! Their foreplay consists of seeing who can draw the most blood from the other. It’s disturbing.”

Deidara laughed, “What you did with that paintbrush was disturbing, hm.”

Resisting the urge to cover his face that was quickly turning a bright shade of red, almost matching his hair, Sasori groaned, “Don’t ever bring it up again. Did you get them to take down our video?”

“Yeah, it’s not up anymore. I checked. It really wasn’t that bad, hm…”

“No, it really wasn’t. One of our best times together.”

They had been almost half an hour past the dinosaurs when Sasori decided to turn back, so it was another hour added to the trip, plus the forty five minutes Deidara had to spend looking at them, and complaining about how bad they looked. Weather beaten, chipped and in some places falling apart, with peeling paint, ‘These are trash, hm, I could make better.’ And surprisingly, Sasori had agreed. Deidara even got into an argument with a kid who told him that they were awesome, and Sasori was afraid the parents were going to report them.

Then he had to go through the giftshop that was inside the brontosaurus. But Deidara seemed happy and Sasori even shoplifted him a plush pterodactyl.

“It’s really cute, thanks, my man!” Deidara said with a smile as they walked back to the car, the dinosaur held against Deidara’s chest with his arms.

“Let’s go.” Sasori said, giving the dinosaurs one last glare as he backed up, turning the trailer and almost hitting the car next to them.

“I think you need to turn the wheel the other way, hm…” Deidara said, “No, the other way, like if you want to go left, turn it right.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Well, no, but I think that’s how it works.”

“Do you want to try?”

“No.”

“Then please shut up.”  
  
Sasori tried several more times, but kept getting jackknifed, his patience evaporating in the heat of the day.

Deidara tried being helpful, “Sasori, my man, I watched a show once, and it’s left hand down, right hand down, left hand down and right hand-”   
  
“Enough.” Sasori very quietly said as he turned to face Deidara, trying his best not to lose his temper. “Get. Out.”

“Wh, what?”

“This is your fault, so get out.”

“Are...are you leaving me here?”

“Get out of the car! And no I’m not leaving you here but I’m a little bit tempted to!”

Deidara jumped out, Sasori was scary when he was angry.

“Now get behind me and tell me which way to go.” 

  
After twenty minutes, and people watching and laughing and probably filming the scene with their phones and offering no help whatsoever because people are assholes, they were out of the parking spot and drove in silence. Deidara snacking silently on a brownie while Sasori sped down the freeway. It was a little over an hour later when Deidara sat up and Sasori knew he wanted something, again.

“Sasori, look!” Deidara pointed out the window at a sign they had sped passed and was no longer there.

“What is it now? More dinosaurs?”

“No! Even better!” Deidara’s eyes were wide with excitement, “It’s the International Banana Museum! You love museums!”

“A _what?_ ” Sasori wasn’t sure he heard right, “What kind of brownie was that? Was that one of the ones we bought this morning, because I better make sure not eat one while I’m driving.”

“No, it’s the one I made yesterday, it’s just a regular brownie.” He then turned a pair of very intense blue eyes on to Sasori, “I want to go to the Banana Museum, and you are going to take me, yeah! Turn off here!”

Surprised at himself, Sasori took the exit and followed Deidara’s directions of, ‘This way’, ‘turn here,’ and ‘ok, just keep driving this way’ until they arrived at the International Banana Museum.

“This...is not a museum, Dei…”

“It says it is.”

“Look.” Sasori pointed to a dirt lot they had driven through and there was a giant, child-size stuffed banana, chained to a lawn chair that was also chained to the post of the ‘museum’s’ sign.

“Well…maybe the inside will surprise us, hm?”

“It’s just another fucking tourist trap…” Sasori grumbled as they got out of the car, but it was nice to stretch his legs and walk around, “It’s so hot…”

“It’s the desert.” Deidara shrugged, “It’s supposed to be.”

“I’m going to die…”

“You’ll get used to it.” Deidara smiled, “I love it. We just need to make sure to slather ourselves in sunscreen so we don’t burn.” He grinned, “It’ll be fun...I’ll rub sunscreen on you, then you’ll rub sunscreen on me and then you’ll fuck me on the bathroom counter while-”

Sasori cut him off, “Oh yes, very sexy, the smell of sunscreen, turns me on everytime. And are we both on the counter or is it very low? Because according to you, I'm too short to be able to fuck you while you sit on the counter.”

"Oh, right, right. We tried that once..." Deidara tried not to laugh but couldn't help himself.

They walked into the museum, which was just one room filled wall to wall with various banana items and prints. Phones shaped like bananas, stuffed banana dolls, banana this, banana that, it was all bananas.

They were greeted by the owners and Sasori ignored them while Deidara listened to how they have a collection of over 20,000 banana items. Sasori thought it was disgusting and hideous and should be shut down for claiming to be a museum but kept those thoughts to himself, he didn’t want to be murdered in a banana museum by banana enthusiasts. 

Deidara thought the prints were ugly and hardly worthy of being called art, but he bought a small stuffed banana with a glued on face and a slice of banana bread and they left.

“I’m not stopping again.” Sasori told him as they walked through the dusty lot back to their car, “If you need to use the toilet, find one now and use it now.”

“There...isn’t anything around here.”

“Then wait. Or take a piss behind a palm tree.”

“I’m not waiting another seven hours or whatever! And that is illegal and gross!”

Sasori walked over to the car and got in, on the passenger side, and refused to get out, “You can drive then. Stop wherever the hell you want and I’ll sit here and scream and yell at you to slow down. Or to speed up. Or to stop at every single attraction I see!”

Deidara hesitated, but got in the drivers side, and put his new banana friend on the dash, “There, you go little banana, now you can see where we’re going, hm.” He smiled at it and turned to his grumpy boyfriend, “Isn’t it so cute?!”

“No.”

Deidara started the car and drove slowly out of the dirt lot and back onto the road.

“You could go a little faster.” Sasori said, “People are honking at us!”

“I’m doing the speed limit for cars that are towing. I don’t want to get pulled over.”

“So what, you get a ticket…I’ll make Kakuzu pay it.”

“I um...don’t you remember that I uh...lost my license?”

“You did what? Well why didn’t you get a replacement before we left? We’ll be in a different state now.”

Deidara looked steadily out the window, “Not lost as in misplaced, lost as in taken away by the cops. Revoked. Apparently I ran too many stop signs and you’re not supposed to have open containers of weed in the car, they’re supposed to be in the trunk...but like, I think they were just trying to take my license away.”

Sasori said nothing and took a brownie from the backseat and stuffed it into his mouth, “P’ll’ober.”

“What?”

Sasori swallowed and then searched for something to drink, “Pull...over.”

Deidara saw a campground and drove into it, it was completely empty but he saw some bathrooms and decided they could use a break.

The two sat on a bench, enjoying the fresh air and eating their brownies, “You know, I’ll really miss fire season here, do they have that over there?” Deidara asked.

“I don’t know, but you can still watch it on the news.”

“It’s not the same as seeing it in person, getting up close and personal with the flames, and the heat, yeah!” Deidara was sitting up now, “Watching the flames consume, hearing them whip around in the wind, oh man, what a rush!”

“I at least won’t have to be called in to pick you up from jail because you refused to leave and were interfering with the firefighters efforts…” Sasori yawned, “You probably set at least one of those brush fires.”

Deidara didn’t answer, his eyes gleaming, “Sometimes I can still feel the heat of the flames.”  Just then Deidara’s phone let out an irritating buzz. He looked at it and saw it was a message from Hidan, he read it out loud, “Can you stop and get some first aid shit? Like bandages and ointments and shit. Some suturing material. Some snacks, too. Please.”  

“What the hell?” Sasori demanded, “What does he need all that for?”

“I don’t know, let me ask.” They waited for Hidan’s reply, ‘Because we’re out’ it said.

“Give me that.” Sasori grabbed the phone from Deidara’s hands and typed a message.

‘what did you do’

‘I like to have a well stocked first aid kit’

‘you need it for yourself or your boyfriend?’

‘It’s for me, Dei. I really need it. Damn you’re nosy today. Just pick up as much as you can, I’ll pay you for it when you get here.’

“Why does he call you Dei?” Sasori asked, narrowed brown eyes looking up from the phone.

“Because he’s called me that since we were kids, and aside from you, he’s the only one allowed.” With a grin, Deidara asked, “Why Sasori, are you jealous?”

“No.”

He was jealous, he knew how Deidara hated anyone calling him that, except for him for some reason.

The phone buzzed again, ‘Hey Ginger, give Dei his phone back, I know you have it. And get suture material if you can find it, this won't stop bleeding.’ Sasori handed the phone back, “I’m hungry, what do we have to eat?”

“You just ate a brownie.”

“I am aware, but I’m still hungry.”

“I don’t know, let’s just stop somewhere and get something, I’m hungry too and don't want more sweets. And we better head back into the town to get this stuff for them.”

 Sasori nodded, "Alright, wouldn't want them to be pissed at us when we show up empty handed. I'm sure Kakuzu is already pissed enough that we're coming to stay at all. Maybe there's a medical supply place back there." 

 

* * *

 

“Are they getting that stuff?” Kakuzu asked as he wrapped another bandage around Hidan’s thigh.

“I think so, yeah.” He sucked in a breath as he tossed his phone down on the bed near where he was sitting, “Dammit that hurts!”

“Well what did you expect when you stabbed yourself with a knife?!” Kakuzu intentionally put more pressure on his wound, “Hidan, you have to stop doing this. Jashin is not real and even if he was, he doesn’t want a mangy coyote as a sacrifice. And not some old, sick homeless man either.” Kakuzu wasn’t stupid, and knew very well what Hidan had done recently, and just hoped he was careful and there was no evidence that could tie Hidan to it.

Kakuzu grabbed another gauze pad, put it over where the blood was still soaking through and wrapped it with more bandages.

“You don’t understand, Kakuzu. I have to. If I don’t, I’ll be punished.” Hidan leaned back on the bed kept his jaw tightly clenched as Kakuzu bandaged him up, “I already am being punished...I really don’t feel so good…”

“You better not be sick on our bed.” Kakuzu grumbled, glancing up from his work. Hidan looked pale and he was sweating, his hands trembling. “Close your eyes, you’ve lost a lot of blood.” He worked quickly and by the time he was finished, Hidan was either asleep or passed out and Kakuzu put the sheet over him and went downstairs to wait with his newest book, ‘So You’re Dating A Cultist’.  


End file.
